The Mystery in the Mulch
by Mystichawk
Summary: After Mulch Diggums dies in a cave-in, his bones are found by none other that the Jeffersonian Institute. At the risk of them discovering the People, Root orders Artemis Fowl to infiltrate the Jeffersonian as one of the new squinterns and get back Mulch's bones before, from the grave, he ruins them all! (Takes place as if TOD didn't happen and in between seasons 4&5 of Bones.)
1. Ch 1: A Not so Funny Joke

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Bones, or any characters mentioned in this FanFic OK! No need to rub it in!**

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Police Plaza, Haven city. The Lower Elements.

"This is catastrophic! Completely catastrophic!"

"Calm down Julius. The noise is effecting the computers."

Commander Root, of the Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance squad was pacing around the operations booth, trying to think. There was a big problem. No, that's an understatement. There was a _huge _problem, and Commander Root was the only one around with enough experience to deal with it besides a certain Female Recon captain who had yet to show up. He was on the verge of authorizing the council to create a city-wide lock down and order a cease in of all electronic activity, besides the Ops booth. It was thanks to Foaly that Haven was still up any running, as he'd assured the Commander, (who had yet to tell him what the big emergency was,) that lock down would only create panic. So, with all that on his shoulders, he was in no mood to be ordered around by a brain on four legs.

"Zip it Foaly. I couldn't care less about you're computers at this moment." He paced around the room again and then barked, "Dammit, where the hell is captain Short?"

"Right here," Said Holly as she entered the Operations booth, wearing her customary regulation LEP outfit and carrying a Neutrino blaster in her left hand and hugging her helmet under her right arm.

Commander Root breathed a sigh of relief. "Good, captain. Glad you're here. I feel that at this moment I can only trust you two with this absolutely _confidential_ information." When he said confidential, he glanced at Foaly accusingly. "So I'd better not see any of this on your site, Foaly."

Foaly gave a gasp of indignation and said, "Me, Commander? I have nothing to do with that bogus site and it's completely brilliant interpretations of our adventures."

The commander snorted very unprofessionally and said, "Sure, Foaly. They're brilliant alright. A stinkworm could write better!"

Holly cut them off before this could develop into a verbal boxing match as it usually did when you got these two into a room for more than five seconds.

"OK, enough Foaly. What's this big emergency, Commander?"

Foaly closed his mouth, but he was still hurt slightly. He didn't know that the only reason that Holly had called him out was that she wasn't allowed to be insubordinate to her commanding officer.

The Commander sighed. "This is big, Holly. I don't know if you can handle it, but-" Here he paused, looking down at his shoes. "I wasn't sure who to turn to."

Holly and Foaly both blinked. Was this really the same Commander Root? He looked the same, and his complexion remained the same rosy hue, but the words coming out of hi mouth were completely alien.

"Just tell us, Julius." Said Holly, praying this wasn't another death, or something worse.

"Yes, tell us Julius." Said Foaly.

Root looked up, fully prepared to shout at Foaly for calling him Julius, but his reprimand died in his throat. Foaly wasn't mimicking Holly or trying to be obnoxious. The centaur was really, truly trying to help.

"Well, alright." He said sighing. He reached inside his jacket and pulled something square out. It was a box.

"It's a box." Foaly said, resuming his roll as senior obnoxious centaur. In fact, the _only_ obnoxious centaur.

"I know it's a box!" Root said defensively. "It's what's on the box."

Holly and Foaly both peered at the box in the commander's hands. It was old, small, and stank of fungus.

_FUNGUS?!_

Holly and Foaly both looked up at Root, who was sniffling.

_Root,_ **sniffling?** S_omething about this box must be _**really**_ important._

"Um, ok boss. So, what's with the smelly box?" Foaly asked, still peering intently at the box._  
_

Root held back a sniffle and said, his voice chocked with emotion, "It's the last legal cigar under this earth. The motion was just passed yesterday. As of now, these babies are officially contraband.

Both Holly and Foaly continued to stare at the commander as if antlers had sprouted from nose.

"You almost caused a city-wide lock down," Foaly began slowly. "Because your precious stogies are now considered contraband?!"

Holly shot Foaly a look. "Lock down? He almost called a lock down?"

"He did indeed. It was only through my clever intervention that he didn't." Foaly said, puffing out his chest proudly.

"Oh well done Foaly," Holly said sarcastically. "We should give you a medal."

"You already owe me three," pouted Foaly. "One for the Arctic Incident, one for the Spiro thing, and one for Koboi-goblin rebellion."

But Holly wasn't listening. She was looking at Commander Root. The Commander was still staring down at his cigar box like it was a long-lost brother.

He just stared and stared at it until suddenly, he dropped the box and yelled, "APRIL FOOL!"

Holly was so surprised she nearly tripped over her own feet. Foaly was so surprised that he actually _did_ trip over his own feet and landed with a bang on the plasma-tile floor.

Commander Root, meanwhile, was cackling. "Ha! That was one for the books! You two should've seen the looks on your faces!"

Holly and Foaly just stared, open-mouthed, at the Commander. Foaly's first thought was, _oh gods he's gone mad. _Holly's first thought was something less printable. Then they both remembered something that made them roll their eyes with disgust. Well, actually Foaly rolled his eyes in disgust. Holly just mentally rolled her eyes, at the risk of annoying her assumed crazy Commander.

They remembered that the only mud man holiday Root celebrated, apart from New Years Eve, (which he spent going from party to party all night long, drinking a nasty substance called Milx's Iron Ale. Apparently, it could stun a bull troll with one drop, but it would take a whole gallon to put down Root. Holly had seen pictures.) was April Fool's day.

Holly had no idea what the principle behind this holiday was, (she was a traditionalist elf and didn't celebrate mud man holidays except for Christmas,) but she knew it involved a mud man traveler and the messing up of a calender. She also knew that the object of this holiday was to pull the worst and funniest prank possible on someone.

Foaly, however, _did_ know the principles of April Fool's day and, more importantly, he knew that the Commander was just joking, and Foaly knew his jokes. He'd once called a Def-con 2 because his Mud man satellite systems had been out. (_Also_ on April Fool's day.) He knew which jokes were good and which were bad. The Commanders', however, was the funniest thing Foaly had ever witnesses since he'd glued Mulch Diggums's tunneling bum-flap shut.

"Well done, Commander. I'll admit you had us going there for a bit." He said, using a table to haul himself up.

Holly, however, was not amused. "You called me in here for an April Fool's day prank?" She demanded angrily. The Commander wasn't listening. He was too busy clutching the side of the table closest to him to support his weight because he was laughing too hard to stand up straight.

Foaly was laughing too, now. "Ok, I admit it. That was a great one, Julius!"

"Don't- call me, JULIUS!" Root managed to squeak out through his laughter.

That just made Foaly laugh more.


	2. Ch 2: The News

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of these characters, TV show, or books. But boy, do I wish I did.**

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**Police Plaza, Haven City; The Lower Elements**

**Three hours later...**

* * *

Holly Short was fuming. Nothing new there. As usual, Commander Julius Root was the source of her frustration this evening. Several hours ago, the Commander had seen fit to practically call out the National Underground Guard because his favorite Fungus cigars were being classified as contraband, and then he'd burst out laughing and said that it was all an April Fool's day prank.

"Not a very funny prank from where I'm standing!" Holly grumbled as she made her way back through her tiny apartment to her bedroom. After stripping off her jumpsuit and hopping into the shower, she relaxed a little bit. She thought about how the Commander had barely ever laughed in all the time she'd known him and smiled nearly half that. Maybe it _was_ good for him to laugh occasionally.

After getting out and toweling off, Holly sank onto her bed, still thinking. The Commander had meant well, she supposed. but honestly; nearly calling a Defcon 2 for an April Fool's joke. She mumbled a few choice curses to herself and decided to try and sleep.

Two hours later, Holly heard a very loud sound coming from her phone.

Well, she liked to call it a phone, but it was really a telecommunitive cube. She groggily pressed a button on the cube and she was completely flabbergasted when she heard the Commander's voice. "Captain Short,"

Holly pushed herself up from her bed and blinked. The Commander's voice sounded sad. Almost regretful.

"Captain Short, I need you to come into the Operations booth. Now." The the cube clicked off. Holly blinked. No shouting? No ordering her to 'get down here right now, Short'? He hadn't even raised his voice. Holly pushed herself up again and wondered if this was another April Fool's Day joke. She hoped not, for the Commander's sake, or she would completely blow her top.

**Ops booth, Haven city**

* * *

Holly hadn't taken her time getting down to the Ops booth. She was sure that something was happening. Whether that something was a serious alarm or just another irritating joke, she didn't know, but when she did get there, she noticed that Foaly was sitting in his specially modeled swivel-chair silently. He was facing a screen that was blank and once she got closer, Holly could tell that his eyes were closed.

"Foaly?" She asked carefully. Foaly jumped and when he turned around, Holly could tell that he'd been crying.

"Oh, Holly. Hey." Foaly smiled halfheartedly.

"Where's the Commander?" Holly asked, looking around.

"Oh." Foaly's face fell slightly. "He's in his office in police plaza."

Holly nodded and turned to go, but Foaly grabbed her arm. "Holly,"

Holly turned and, for the first time in her life, saw tears leaking out of the centaur's eyes. "Foaly, what's wrong? Did Caballine break up with you?"

Caballine was Foaly's wife. They'd been together for three years and counting and Foaly had told them a few week ago that Caballine was expecting another Foaly on the way. Everybody had been extremely happy, especially Foaly. He'd been going mad, trying to think of names for his new colt.

Foaly sniffed. "No, Holly, it's not that. It's-" His voice cracked and Holly stared at her friend in horror. She'd never, in all the decades she'd known him, seen him unable to speak. Foaly had always been the source of relief in times of trouble. He's laughed when the rest of them had cried! He joked, even when they were on the brink of disaster, (which, since they'd _"met"_ Artemis Fowl, was happening about twice every year.)

"Holly, it's Mulch."

Holly blinked. Mulch Diggums was a fugitive kleptomaniac Dwarf with a rocky friendship bordering on annoyance with the LEP officer and Foaly. The Commander, however, still disliked the convict, as he'd taken to calling Mulch, no matter what happened or however many times Mulch saved the day. Holly knew the Commander would demote her to sewer duty if she ever voiced this aloud, but she couldn't help admitting it. The Dwarf _had_ saved the day on many occasions, most of them by using his incredible and peculiar talents such as his jet-propelled rear, or his Dwarven Rock Polish, or, (and Holly wasn't sure whither she approved or what, concerning this situation,) the stolen LEP equipment he'd picked up after the Fowl Manor Siege.

In short, the Dwarf had proved a valuable, (although somewhat stinky,) member of the team over the years. The last Holy had seen of him, he was headed in an Atlantian shuttle to the Deeps; a maximum security prison over ten-thousand feet below the surface. Had he escaped again? That might explain Fosly's behavior, except the crying.

"Mulch? What's wrong with Mulch?" She asked, scrutinizing Foaly carefully.

"He- he's-" Foaly sniffed again. "He's dead, Holly."

Holly froze. Dead? Mulch Diggums was dead?

"Dead?" She echoed. Her voice was hoarse and her throat felt like it had closed up. "Dead?" She asked again.

Foaly nodded. "Yeah. The Commander told me not to tell you but, well. . ." he shuffled his feet in what looked like an awkward four-step. "I just wanted you to be prepared."

Holly blinked again. This wasn't possible. "But- but this can't be right!" Holly said, pulling her arm away. "He can't be dead! I mean, he faked his death before, right? and he was still alive!"

Foaly looked at her sadly. "I'm sorry Holly, but this time it's not a trick. He's dead. I've seen his body. Well," He said as an afterthought, "What was left of it."

Holly blanched. "What do you mean, what's left of it?"

Foaly shook his head. "I can't- Holly, I'm sorry."

Holly just blinked again, then a strange sensation began to creep through her chest. Like, a hand was slowly squeezing her throat and larynx. She couldn't speak. She just closed her eyes and stubbornly thought, _"It's not true! It's not true!" _

"Holly?" Holly whirled around, opening her eyes and staring in disbelief at the figure before her.

It was Commander Root, or at least Holly thought it was. His usual red face which had earned him his well-deserved nickname, Beetroot, was unusually pale and void of any color.

He was standing in the doorway of the Ops booth, leaning against the wall and regarding her and Foaly with a resigned expression of sadness completely covering his face.

"Holly. There you are. I asked you to come to _my_ office, Captain. C'mon." He beckoned for her with his finger and then just turned around and walked off, heading towards his office.

Holly gave Foaly a quizzical look, but Foaly just gave her a shrug and motioned for her to go nodded and headed to the door but before she could get all the way there, Foaly said her name quietly.

Holly stopped and turned around, giving Foaly another quizzical look. "What, Foaly?"

Foaly closed his eyes and said, almost too quiet for her to hear, "I know it's hard, but we'll get through it. You know that, right?"

Holly hesitated, then nodded. She still didn't quite believe what Foaly was saying and frankly, she didn't want to. She still retained a hopeful belief that this was just a stupid joke and Mulch was still alive. He didn't necessarily have to be happy, Holly reasoned. He was most likely still in the Deeps, sharing a maximum security cell with a Troll. Holly gave Foaly a smile, and jogged off towards the Commander's office.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Commander, I'm sorry I headed to Ops Booth first. I was-" but the Commander wasn't listening. What he _was_ doing was sitting behind his desk, looking out the north window with the same resigned look on his face that she'd seen when she'd glimpsed him in the Ops booth.

"Commander?" She said hesitantly, edging closer to his desk.

Commander Root looked at her and she winced. The Commander's eyes were red and bloodshot, same as Foaly's.

"Ah, Captain Short. Good." His voice, which was usually gruff and brusque, was now more subdued and, quite frankly, a little worrying for Holly.

"Um, yes, Commander." Holly couldn't think of anything else to say.

After a few minutes silence, the Commander cleared his throat and said, "Well, knowing the pony boy, he already told you." The Commander shook his head and there was a very very thin smile on his face.

Holly nodded. "Yeah. He told me some clap-trap about Mulch being dead! Can you believe it? So, what's really going on?" She asked, hoping against hope that she was right and this was a-

"Holly, he was telling the truth."

Holly smiled. "Sure, Commander. And Mud Men live on Mars."

Root sighed. "Holly, listen. Foaly may be obnoxious, annoying, and sometimes downright infuriating,"

"Sometimes?" Holly muttered.

"Ok, all the time, but he's always told the truth. He's telling the truth now. Mulch is gone."

Holly, deep in the back of her mind, knew that he was telling the truth, but she didn't care. "But- no. No, this is ridiculous. Mulch was the best tunnel-fairy in the business!" She stood up and started pacing, trying to make sense of what he was telling was ridiculous, she knew. Mulch had faked his own death before! Why wasn't now any different?! Or, it could just be a stupid joke!

"This is another one of your jokes, isn't is Julius?" She demanded, staring at Root with fire in her eyes. "Yes, another stupid April Fools's day joke! Well, this is the last straw, Julius!" She said angrily, stomping over to the door. "You and Foaly cooked this stupid joke up together, didn't you? Ugh! you two are like children!"

"Captain!" Root barked, for a second regaining his old tones. "I assure you, this is _not_ a joke."

Holly froze when she heard the tone of his voice.

"We got the call about an hour ago."

Holly stayed there in the doorway for at least a minute, letting her own mind take back control from the wild and angry Holly that had burst through from a long time ago, when she'd also found out someone she loved was gone. She sighed and sank down again with her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Julius." She said through her fingers. "I just can't believe it."

"Neither can I." Root muttered to himself.

After a few minutes, Holly looked up again and sighed. "I just _don't_ understand it. Mulch was a great tunneler! How could he die in a _cave-in?!" _

The Commander narrowed his eyes. "Foaly told you that too?"

Holly gulped and nodded.

The Commander sighed. "That stupid centaur couldn't keep a secret to save his life."

Holly nodded. it was true. "But, sir. . ." The question died on her lips and she just stood there, staring at her feet and thinking.

Root sighed. "I know, Holly. It's hard of all of us."

Holly nearly snorted. Nearly. The Commander always claimed he hated Mulch, (and, by all accounts, he had good reason to,) but here he was, confessing that Mulch's death had impacted him as well.

"When's the recycling ceremony?" Holly asked quietly.

The Commander looked up and said, "Ah. Well, That's where we come to a bit of a problem."

Holly looked up and gave the Commander a questioning look.

Root cleared his throat and said, "The tunnel where Mulch died was uncovered before our boys could get there. It was uncovered when a sewer line ruptured nearby and most of the surrounding road fell into a sink hole."

Holly looked up and said, "Road? He was near the surface?"

Root nodded. "Yes. Presumably, he was escaping from another burglary and escaped through a tunnel that was right beside the ruptured pipeline. It flooded the tunnel and drowned him."

Holly blinked again. "Drowned." She said, quietly.

Root nodded. "Yes, but we have a more weightier problem at hand; the ruptured pipeline which caused the sinkhole was swarming with Mud Men when our boys got there. Mud Men in blue uniforms. Does that mean anything to you?"

Holly shook her head. "No. Should it?"

The Commanded didn't move. He just stood there, staring at a fixed spot on his desk.

Holly cleared her throat and said, "Where was he found?"

The Commander looked up and said, "Washington D.C."


	3. Ch 3: Close Incounters of the Short Kind

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

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Fowl Manor; Dublin, Ireland.

Artemis Fowl was in the middle of writing another paper. This time, it was about the cross-breeding of the _Boletellus Emodensis_ and the common green Mushroom and it was written under the Pseudonym Michal Lo Jest.

Artemis was just finishing up when he heard a tapping at his window. He glanced up and frowned at the window, which was closed against the April sun. The tapping became more insistent and, after trying to ignore it for three minutes, eventually he stood up and walked over to the window. He threw back the curtains and was extremely annoyed to find that there was nothing there.

"Must've been a bird." He muttered, and closed the curtains again. He went back to his desk, but as soon as he sat down with pen in hand, ready to continue, the tapping started up again, more insistent that ever.

Artemis had had enough. This time he strode over to the window and pulled the curtains open with a jerk and he was astonished, only for a few minutes though, to find a three-foot tall figure in a black body-suit and helmet, hovering right outside his window.

He pulled the bolt and slid the window open, allowing the fairy to buzz in, an then he quickly closed it again.

"Holly? Is that you?" He asked.

"Who else would it be, mud boy?" Holly pulled off her helmet and stood there, eying Artemis carefully.

Artemis shrugged. "I have no idea. But perhaps you could tell me what you're doing here. I highly doubt that you put on the full LEP Recon uniform just to come and say hello to me."

Holly rolled her eyes. _Typical mud boy; always suspicious._ "Well, you're right. Partly. I _am_ here because of something important. Something that you might want to sit down for."

Artemis smirked. "I assure you Captain, I have the utmost control of my emotions."

Holly gave him a strange look. "Artemis, believe me, you're going to want to _sit down." _The last two words she spoke were layered with hypnotic Mesmer. Just a touch, though. She didn't use it forcefully.

Artemis knew this, but he sat down just the same. Holly sat down too and they both stared at each other.

"So, what's this important thing, Holly?

Holly took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and said, "Mulch is dead."

Artemis didn't move. Not a muscle. He just sat there, staring at Holly. After about three minutes, Holly said, "Artemis?"

Artemis smiled his usual vampire smile. "Very good, Holly. Nice try. How long did it take you to come up with _that_ one?"

Holly blinked. What _was_ the mud boy talking about?

"What are you-?" She started to say, but Artemis held up a hand.

"Save it, Captain. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. After punching a few buttons, he hekd it out to her. the screen showed a monthly calendar. The first was circled.

Holly groaned. he thought this was an April fool;s day joke! "Look Artemis, it's not what you-"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Holly, the jig is up. why do you persist with this childish j-"

"IT"S NOT A JOKE, YOU STUPID MUD BOY!" Holly shouted angrily, jumping up and pounding over to Artemis. She thrust out her finger and poked him squarely in the chest. "It. . . is. . . not. . . a. . . JOKE!" With every word she poked him, hard, and Artemis could only sit there, trying to block the barrage of poking.

"Alright! Alright!" He said as she poked him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Holly looked him square in the eye, and then she gave him one last jab. "You'd better be."

Holly turned around and stomped over to the other end of the room. Honestly, she was still dealing with the shock, so to have Artemis just dismiss it as a stupid joke really riled her up. Eventually, she calmed down enough to say, "I'm sorry, Artemis. It's still a bit of a shock to me, and I blew my top."

Artemis, wary now of Holly's split-second rampages, just nodded and said carefully, "I'm sorry about Mulch. When will he be buried?"

Holly blinked. "Buried? Oh, you mean recycled." She shrugged. "I don't know, but that brings me to the next important issue: When Mulch died, he was near the surface."

Artemis's eyes widened slightly. "How near?"

Holly scratched her auburn crew-cutted head. "I think the Commander said ten feet."

Artemis's eyes widened another notch. "_Ten feet_ below the surface? Was he using a sewer pipe?"

Holly shrugged again. "I don't know. All I know is, he's dead and we have to get him back."

"Back?" This time Artemis wasn't being sarcastic or smug. He was trying to be compassionate. "Holly, you know there is no magic that can restore the dead."

Holly looked up at him and rolled her eyes. "Not _that_ kind of back, mud man."

Before Artemis could ask her what kind if back she meant, Holly threw up her hands in defense. "All you need to know now it, pack your jammies Artemis. We're heading to Washington D.C."

_Washington D.C?! _Artemis's head was swimming.

"Just head downstairs. The Commander's down there, briefing Butler and Juliet. I'll meet you there after I have a quick chat with your mother."

"My mother? What has she got to do with-" But Holly was out the door before he could finish.

For a few seconds, he just stared at the door way, then he composed himself and said, _"Fairies."_

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Ah, Fowl. There you are." Commander Root said when he spied the pale mud youth descending the stairs. "I see Captain Short briefed you."

"In a manner of speaking." Artemis said, shooting Holly and, for some reason, Butler a cold look.

"I must say, I'm surprised you didn't come in, guns blazing at the first sign of a disturbance." There was no rebuke in Artemis's words though. In fact, he was amused by his bodyguard's lax attitude.

Butler had the audacity to shrug. "I knew it was our fairy friends, so I didn't feel the need."

Artemis rolled his eyes and turned to the Commander. "So, what's all this blether about Washington D.C?"

Root sighed and pulled out a fungus cigar to calm himself. Not that he loved the convict, but he _had _arrested Mulch over thirty times in the last three hundred years, and that gave him a close connection to the convict. That, and he'd convicted Mulch over thirty-five times and every one of those thirty-five times, Mulch had slipped free.

Root screwed the cigar into his mouth and was about to light it, but Juliet snuck up behind him and plucked it from his hand.

"Hey!" Root said in indignation.

Artemis and Holly shared a smirk. Root sounded like a petulant child.

"Sorry Commander," Juliet said, dangling the lighter above his head. "None of that rancid stogy smoke in _my_ living room!"

"Young lady, you give that back!" Root nearly tried to hop to reach it, but he was a Commanding Officer, and Commanding Officers did not _hop._

"Jules, leave off." Butler said, putting his hand on Juliet's shoulder. Juliet rolled her eyes.

"Fine, Dom-"

"So why are we heading to Washington D.C?" Butler said hastily, covering his sister's accidental slip when calling him by name.

Root sighed. "Well, as we all know, Mulch is dead. What only Holly and me know, and perhaps Master Artemis, is that Mulch died in a tunnel that was uncovered before our boys could get there." Root sighed. "It was uncovered when a sewer line ruptured nearby and most of the surrounding road fell into a sink hole."

Butler looked up. "Road? He was near the surface?"

Root nodded. "Yes. We think he was trying to escaping from another burglary. He escaped through a tunnel that was right beside a ruptured pipeline. It flooded the tunnel and drowned him."

Everyone was silent. Even Artemis had no desire what so ever to make a snarky comment.

"So, we need to find Mulch's body," Butler said.

"Yes," Juliet said, looking curiously at Holly. "But why do you need us? Another Dwarf would be able to do the job easily. Unless it would be too traumatic for them. . ." She said, looking at Holly.

Holly shook her head. "I wish that was the hardest problem we have to take care of."

Artemis blanched. "It gets worse?"

Root nodded. "Yes. The ruptured pipeline that caused him to drown, also caused a massive sinkhole. Not only that, but the sinkhole was swarming with Mud Men when our boys got there. Mud Men in blue uniforms. Does that mean anything to you?"

Artemis looked up. "_Blue_ uniforms?"

The Commander nodded. "Yes. Any idea who they were? They got in and out before we even got near the place. Foaly got zilch, much to his extreme disappointment."

Artemis pondered for a moment, then he said quietly, "Butler, can you go upstairs and fetch me my lap top?"

Butler nodded and ascended the stairs. Three minutes later, he was back down and handing Artemis his computer.

Artemis wasted no time in logging in as soon as the computer was in his hands, and then he sat down and started to type and scroll. About a minute later he called, "Commander. Holly."

The two LEP officers crowded around the table to stare at the screen.

"'Local crime-solvers from the Jeffersonian Institute help put a serial killer behind bars, for good.'" Holly read aloud. "Jeffersonian Institute?" She said, looking at Artemis curiously.

Artemis nodded. "Yes. They are a group of Forensic Anthropologists that get contracted out to the FBI. They're run by a woman named Temperance Brennan and an FBI agent named Seeley Booth."

"So, these people were at the sinkhole?" Asked Root.

Artemis typed up a few words, and then he nodded. "It seems so. I just checked the local News in D.C and apparently a huge sinkhole is being patched up just north of the Institute. Also, it says they found a body inside the sinkhole. A-" Artemis peered closer and his eyebrows rose slightly. "A _green _body."

Root nodded. "Most Dwarfs, when they die, don't get enough time to have a recycling ceremony. There's something in their bones that, when they're exposed to air, it triggers some kind of reaction that turns them green. There's a theory going around that Dwarf bones have more that a bit of copper in their bones."

Artemis stroked his chin. "Interesting."

Root nodded. "Yeah. I should know. I had many long talks with Mulch while escorting him to his prison cells about Dwarf Anatomy."

Holly chuckled. "So, we're going to Washington D.C."

Root nodded. "We're going to Washington D.C. And you three are going with us."

Artemis rolled his eyes. Of course he'd expected this. Juliet, who was an American by birth, squealed, and Butler retained his stony Butler Expression.

"I can't see what use we'll be," said Artemis. "With your technology, you should be able to get in by mesmerizing, get the bones, then mind wipe the rest of them."

"No." Holly said. "If this is already on the Internet, then millions of people across the world know about it. The best we can do is infiltrate this Jeffersonian Institute."

"So, who's going to do that?" Juliet asked.

Holly tuned to Artemis and smiled. "Artemis is."

"Oh, I am?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, you are, Fowl." Root barked, glad to be back in his own element. "You're going or so help me, I will tell Foaly to hack into your computers and send every penny you own to Amnesty International!"

Artemis blanched. He could tell Root was being completely serious and, even worse, he knew Root would do it too.

"OK," He said. "I'll do it." Then he frowned and asked, "What will I do?"

Holly pulled Artemis's laptop towards her and scrolled down. "Well, it says here that Dr. Temperance Brennan has been on the lookout for a new intern and assistant, and you've been blethering about how you've completed your medical studies for months now."

Artemis took a mock bow.

"In fact, I might even need to infiltrate the FBI as back-up! I could be that agent, Booth, did you say? I could be that guy's intern or something."

"Oh no," Root said, cutting through Holly's daydream. "Oh no. If anyone's going to be a cop intern, it's going to be me!"

Holly's face fell. "Awe, C'mon Julius!"

"One, don't call me Julius! Two, I'm the Commander, so what I say goes!"

Butler cleared his throat and said, "There's a slight problem here, Commander: Both of you are under three feet tall. Not to be disrespectful, Holly, Commander, but you two put the junior in junior officer."

Root and Holly both glowered. Butler sighed. "If it makes you feel any better, _I'll_ go to the FBI and tell you if I find anything."

Root looked at Holly, and Holly looked at Root. They nodded at the same time and said, "Fine."

Artemis had the undeniable urge to chuckle.

"So, I guess we're going to Washington D.C." Holly said, looking at the screen with a picture of the Jeffersonian on it.

"I guess we're going to Washington D.C." Artemis agreed, staring at the same picture.

"


	4. Ch 4: Interns

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bones, or Artemis Fowl.**

* * *

**Jeffersonian Institute; Washington D.C. **

"Hiya Bones."

Doctor Brennan looked up from her file on brain tumors and their long-term effects. She quickly closed it and slid it under one of her other files, so as not to upset Booth.

"Booth, hi."

Booth was wearing his usual cocky belt buckle, and his flashy socks had returned too. After his surgery, during which he lived in a fantasy reality where she was his wife and they owned a nightclub, he had been reluctant to come back into the real world and for weeks had gone to work in a normal black suit, tie, and white socks. No fancy belt buckle, nothing! Bones disliked it more than she cared to.

Booth came up to her and looked at the files on her desk. "Anything new on the Dwarf in the dirt?"

"Dwarf is a derogatory term for short people. And no, I haven't. But, I did find something rather interesting." Bones pulled out another file and drew out a set of X-rays. "Look at his teeth, Booth."

Booth looked. "Holy cow! Those are some big chompers!"

The teeth shown in an X-ray were well over three or four inches long each and they seemed to be abnormally thick.

"Indeed. There are forty-six in all. Twice the amount in a normal human mouth." Bones said, peering at the X-ray carefully. "Also, this person seems to have wisdom teeth."

"Wisdom teeth? What are those?"

"Well, the wisdom teeth grow in at the back of your mouth at approximately thirty nine years of age. It's said that that's because wisdom comes with age, which I believe. This man, if it was a man, had four wisdom teeth, fully grown."

Booth nodded. "So, we're looking for an ancient dwarf-guy with a lot of teeth. OK, that's narrow down the search perimeters considerably."

"I should think so." Bones said, sliding the X-rays back into the folder and buttoning up her lab coat.

"Oh, have you seen my new assistant? He's quite remarkable."

Booth frowned. "New assistant? But I thought you always said you wouldn't replace Zack."

"I'm not," Bones said as she and Booth walked to the platform where the bones were. "This young man just shows great potential, that's all. He's really quite-"

"Remarkable. Yeah, I heard you." Booth sounded very put out. "So, where is this new squintern?"

"Over there," Bones pointed to a shadowy figure, standing next to the bones. "His name is-"

"Doctor Brennan," Hodgins interrupted, walking over to them with a small tray in his hands. "I've been sifting the soil samples you collected and I gotta tell you, there's not much here. Just some flora and weed killer."

"Alright. Take samples from the bones to determine what killed him."

"On it." Hodgins glanced behind him and whispered carefully, "Hey, Doctor B, where'd you find this kid? He's worse that Fisher! And his name is just plain weird."

"OK, Stanley Jack Hodgins _the third_." Angela said, also coming over. "But I've got to admit, sweetie, this guy gives me a _bad_ vibe."

Bones looked from Angela to Hodgins. "Well, I've never turned down an intern just because of _bad vibes_." She said as she broke away, going over to the pale young man.

Booth looked from the kid to Bones, and then to Angela and Hodgins. "So, what's this kid's name?"

Angela opened her mouth to answer, but Bones interrupted, calling him over. "Booth!"

Booth turned to see the kid staring at his with intense looking eyes. He stared right back at him and only then did he notice that the kids eyes were two completely different colors.

"Booth, I would like you to meet my new intern, Apollo Fair. Apollo, this is my partner, Seeley Booth."

The young man looked up and Butler's first impulse was to cringe. Very unlike him. The kid was pale. Really pale, like a vampire, and his eyes stood out against his dark raven hair. His face was a mix of amusement and a condescending smirk.

"Hello." He said, holding out his hand. Booth shook it and was surprised to feel a very strong grip, like the kid was gripping a rope that would drop him into oblivion if he let go.

"So,_ Apollo," _Booth said, heavy on the sarcasm with the kid's name, "How long do you plan on interning here with Doctor Brennan?"

Apollo shrugged. "For as long as I need to. I have to complete my medical studies with a term in Anthropology so, perhaps a week. Maybe less."

Booth nodded. "You have family here?"

The boy nodded. "A sister. She lives in a hotel three blocks from here."

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

Booth doubted it. The kid was barely old enough to shave.

The boy gave him a very quick wink and then turned to Doctor Brennan. "I believe you wanted me to E-mail all accessible dental records in state to your computer, correct doctor Brennan?"

Bones nodded. "Are they there now?"

"No." The kid said. "After pulling up all the data, I decided that it might be easier for me to spend half an hour on the computer, sifting than to have you, or the esteemed miss Montenegro, sifting through hundreds of files. So, I wrote a quick program to eliminate the useless files. Anything not pertaining to people with extremely large teeth or early wisdom teeth, I sent back to the city Archival server."

Bones looked extremely impresses. And she was! "So, after all that sifting, how many files were left?"

"One hundred and fourteen." The boy replied. "Those I sifted through myself. I looked through every single file, word for word, but I couldn't find anything that pertained to the case."

Until then, all Booth had heard was a bunch of techno-babble, but when he heard the bit about finding nothing, he jumped in. "Well, he's probably an ex-con who got himself wiped from the system for a few bucks. FBI searchers will find something."

Apollo smirked again. "Well, as a matter of fact, after I'd finished with the Archival files, I decided to delve a little deeper. Nothing is safe on the internet, I hope you know that, Agent Booth."

Booth was about to make a rude retort when Bones put her hand on his shoulder. "Go on. What did you find?"

"I found a small data leak in the FBI's server mainframe. I by-passed it with a couple of my own programs, and then ended up scrolling through the Criminal logs."

He looked at Bones, who was now frowning slightly. "Criminal logs are lists of convicts, felons, prisoners or aquitees that this sector has put away or tagged, if you want to use naval term."

Booth's eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute, you by-passed a secure Federal server? That's hacking! You hired a hacker! I could charge you with trespassing and larceny."

Apollo bowed his head in mock shame. "I agree, it was a bit unorthodox, but this case is my first and I'd like to contribute as much as I can. Besides, using a breadcrumb trail,"

"Breadcrumb trail?"

"It's a technical term, Doctor Brennan. It means following a trail of data through a maze of computer files until you find the right file. Anyway, I checked everything. Missing Person's reports, misdemeanor files, but nothing came up. At least, nothing until I did a little poking around the FBI State connection server."

Booth just stared at this kid. He'd by-passed FBI security in the touch of a button and now he was talking about confidential information.

"Well?" Bones said. "Go on."

The kid smirked a third time and Booth felt his blood pressure go through the roof.

"Well, I found a connection to Interpol off site and I followed it. Then I checked their missing persons report and what do you know? There were Two files which I think fit our friend down here, right down to a M."

"'Down to a T,' Apollo, the phrase is 'down to a T.'" Bones said absentmindedly as she stared down at the bones. "Where did the connection lead?" She asked, looking back up at Apollo.

The boy pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to Bones. "Why don't you read it yourself?"

It was a USB drive.

Bones looked so pleased that Apollo actually blushed a bit. "Excellent work, Apollo."And then she walked off down the stairs of the platform and back to her office.

Booth turned to the kid to give him a chewing out for trespassing, but when he looked, the kid was gone. Booth did a double-take. Gone? He hadn't just disappeared into thin air. That was impossible. Wasn't it?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Artemis Fowl was _not, _under any circumstances, Having a good day.

For one, Root had insisted they take a civilian plane so as to avoid suspicion. He thought better of it when she security guard requested that Butler be patted down for a weapon movie-style, because his shoulders were too broad to fit through the scanner at the check point. Root also forgot about the fact that Holly and he would have to dress like children, in order to blend it. Fortunately for them, Juliet was a master with make-up and in an hour, after packing up and preparing, they looked like two five-year-olds ready for kindergarten. Albeit, kindergartners with neutrinos and stun grenades.

One of the other things that had nearly given them away happened at the ticket desk. Root tried hard not to, but he couldn't help sneaking a cigar while the others were getting their tickets. A woman saw him and shrieked, "Young man! how could you allow your younger brother to exhibit such behavior!" Her shriek was mainly at Artemis, since Butler was still at the checkpoint, being patted down.

holly quickly realized what had happened and grabbed the cigar, dunking it in a flower pot and heaping dirt on top of it. _"Mesmer!"_ She hissed as she did so. Root nodded and transfixed the woman with the _Mesmer's_ hypnotic tones.

"You didn't see anything more that a boy playing with a stick of bubble gum. it wasn't a cigar. It just looked like one. Now why don't you just go on your merry way, miss."

The woman nodded, her eyes becoming drowsy. "Yes. Just bubble gum. A boy, playing a joke. I'll be leaving now." She reached out and pinched Root's cheek. "Such a funny little boy."

Root's face grew brighter that hot coals and his complexion rivaled that of a black forest cherry. Holly, meanwhile, was chuckling behind her hand.

The flight to D.C. wasn't too bad. Artemis fell asleep and had to be woken up when they landed.

When they disembarked the plane, Artemis, the Butlers, and the two Elves in disguise, the first thing they did was check into a hotel. It was called the Grand Purcell. It was a few blocks away from the Jeffersonian and the view was spectacular.

After they'd gotten everything tucked away; clothes, suitcases, Butler's guns and knives, Juliet's makeup case and judo crash vest and a whole pile of Fairy weaponry which had been waiting for them in D.C., Root called everybody into his room to discuss plans.

"So, here's the way I see it," Root said when they were all sitting around a table. "We need two field Agents; Artemis, and Butler. Their first objective is to lead the FBI on a false trail concerning Mulch's identity. Their real objective, of course, is still to get the bones before the humans find out something they shouldn't. Clear?"

"Crystal." Artemis said. Butler only nodded.

"Alright Holly. You and I'll try to contact our American brethren and see if they can't give us a hand in organizing a pick-up."

"What's that?" Juliet asked.

"A team of highly trained Fairies, with night scopes and night vision goggles. They're affectionately known as the Bats, because they stay inside and try to perfect their technique until night falls."

Juliet shivered. "Sounds like Vampires to me."

Room grinned. "Yeah. The bats are a creepy lot, but they get the job done."

"So, I take it organizing the pick-up is just a precaution in case I ah, screw up?" Artemis said, looking at Root pointedly.

"I have the utmost faith in you, Artemis. the pick-up is just, like you said, a precaution"

Artemis sighed. "Very well. When do I start 'work'?"

Root checked his watch. He, Foaly and Holly had swung him an interning job with the female Doctor that had the bones currently.

"In about fifteen hours, so you'd better get some sleep, mud boy."

"Wait!" Holly said, standing up. "No offense meant, Commander, but you've forgotten something."

Root scratched his chin. "No, I don't think I-"

"Artemis and Butler's code names!"

Juliet's eyes widened. "Oh yes, you are so right Holly. what's it going to be, Artemis? Oh wait, we should pick it!" She said, turning to Holly. Holl's eyes widened too. "Yeah. I'll do the first, you do the last and leave the middle."

"OK." Holly frowned at Artemis, looking him up and down. "You know, Artemis, I've always pictured you more of a Sebastian." Even Butler chuckled at that. Artemis, however, was not amused. "I'd prefer not to be named after a crab, Holly. Thank you very much. Besides, I have already chosen my name."

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? What is it?"

Artemis crossed his arms. "I shall be Stefan Bashkir. Russian Chess prodigy and-"

"Oh no. Sorry Artemis, but an old alias won't do this time, You'll have to think of something else." Butler interrupted.

Artemis kept his mouth shut.

After a few more minutes, Juliet beckoned Holly over and showed her a piece of paper. Her eyes lit up and she said, turning to Artemis, "C'mon Artemis. This is a really good one!"

Artemis rolled his eyes and said, "Very well. What have you two come up with?"

Holly took the paper and held it out to Artemis. Artemis reached out a hand gingerly to take it. The paper felt soft, but as he read his palms immediately started to sweat.

"Oh no. No! Absolutely not!"

"What does it say?" Butler and Root asked out of simultaneous curiosity.

Artemis handed them the paper and put his head in his hands.

The two old soldiers read it, and then they both burst out laughing.


	5. Ch 5: Mild to Moderate Annoyance

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bones, Artemis Fowl, or any other characters portrayed in this story. For now. **

* * *

**Grand Purcell hotel, downtown D.C., room 2 B**

Artemis Fowl was not feeling happy. He wasn't even feeling what Juliet called, 'up to snuff.' He'd been woken up at five O'clock in the morning by Holly, who'd pulled the curtains of his window open, spilling light into his room and effectively blinding him for several seconds.

"Holly, what on earth-"

"Rise and shine, Mud Boy. Time to go to work!"

"Work?" Artemis asked groggily.

"Yes, you loafer-headed adolescent! Work! You've got to head to the Jeffersonian Institute and get cracking on those bones."

Artemis, who fervently hoped this was all a hellish dream, flopped back down onto his pillow and mumbled, "OK. In a few more hours."

"Artemis!" Holly shouted, pulling the pillow out from under his head and causing him to bump his head on the bed-board and swear violently.

"Tut tut, Artemis." Holly said, wagging her finger. "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Artemis stared up at her with incomprehension written all across his face. "What?"

"Never mind. Get up!" She said, trying to pull off his blankets. That woke Artemis up completely.

"Holly!" He said, pulling on his blankets. "Let go! Alright, you win! I'm getting up!"

Holy dropped the blankets and nodded, a smile of satisfaction on her face. "Good. Hurry up, or your breakfast is gonna get divided up between Butler and Root."

Artemis just nodded and didn't move until Holly left, then he got, stretched, and looked down at himself. It was just as well he'd stopped Holly. Since his thirteenth birthday, Artemis Fowl the second had figured himself too tall for the silk pajamas he'd worn up until that age, so lately he'd taken to wearing the most comfortable thing he could find to bed. Namely, his black Armani Boxers.

He shuddered at the thought of Holly's expression if she'd pulled the blankets off completely, then he laughed. Served her right for invading his privacy. Artemis yawned and headed over to the wardrobe, which was filled with the most vulgar clothes anyone could've imagined. Of course, Juliet had gone shopping for him and Butler shortly before leaving, but he'd still managed to save a few suits from Juliet's fashion rampage. He chose the least conspicuous-looking one and pulled on the trousers, buttoned the shirt and pulled on the jacket. Instantly, he felt better. There was something about these suites that radiated efficiency.

Of course, the instant he'd gone downstairs and Juliet had seen him, she'd ordered him upstairs and into a T-shirt and jeans.

"You're determined to make this as uncomfortable as possible, aren't you?" He asked Juliet as she headed upstairs with him to make sure he really put them on.

"Why Artemis," Juliet said looking shocked. "What_ever_ would give you that idea?"

Artemis snorted and Juliet muttered quietly to herself, "It's not me."

Artemis rolled his eyes. Of course. Holly. "I'm not wearing anything with a logo on it!" He said stoutly. "I had enough of that in Munich."

In Munich, a few years ago, Opal Koboi had escaped from a cell in the J. Argon clinic and had targeted the people she mainly blamed for her destitution. Namely- Holly, Root, Foaly and Artemis himself. Koboi had sent a bio-bomb after him and Butler, who were in Munich at the time, stealing a painting by Herve called the fairy thief. In order to steal the painting, however, Artemis was required to dress like a normal teenager. This meant saggy jeans, a grey sweatshirt with half a dozen logos stapled onto it, and very floppy shoes.  
He'd felt like a walking billboard.

"No, no logos this time, Artemis. I mean, Apollo." Juliet giggled. "Holly's idea was genius! Pure genius!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. This newest embarrassment was Holly and Juliet's idea. They'd required he and Butler to go out into the field under assumed names. His was, to his eternal shame, Apollo Fair. Butler's was a bit better, but not by much. His was Richard Little. A joke on Juliet's part, since there was nothing _at all_ little about her brother.

After they poked around in his wardrobe for a while, Artemis found a pair of jeans that suited him. "Very well. I shall wear this pair," he said, holding up a pair of midnight black jeans.

"That?" Juliet said in disgust. "Black jeans. Blech!" She said, turning away in disgust. She rooted through the wardrobe for a few more minutes, then she said, "What about these?"

The jeans she held up here ripped in several different places, including just above the knee.

Artemis looked at them skeptically. "Juliet, you payed full price for ripped jeans?"

Juliet shook her head. "No, silly. These are made to look this way."

Artemis's right eyebrow raised slightly. "People _pay_ for ripped clothes in this country?"

Juliet laughed. "Yes! They pay for ripped jeans in Ireland too, if you've noticed. Not everyone goes around like they've just come out of a Silvester Stallone movie."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "I don't know who Mr. Stallone is, but I'm sure he had impeccable taste."

It was Juliet's turn to roll her eyes. "He was a mobster, Artemis."

Artemis shrugged. "Style comes in many shapes and sizes."

Juliet laughed. "Artemis Fowl, lecturing _me_ about style."

Artemis stared down his nose at the jeans. "I'm sorry Juliet, but I will be wearing the black ones. You may wear them, if you want to, but I wish to retain _some_ shred of dignity while undergoing this awful trial."

Juliet nodded, her smile suddenly straightening out into a flat line. "Yeah. Awful." she turned away and Artemis almost missed her parting words. "I miss Smelly."

Smelly was what Juliet had affectionately called Mulch the last time they'd seen each other.

Artemis sighed, wishing he hadn't brought it up.

XXXXXXXX

When he came down to her room later, Holly could do nothing but blink. This mud boy, mud _man, _nearly, looked like a- well, like a normal person.

"Hi Artemis." she said quietly.

Artemis looked up and smiled. "Ah, Holly. I have you to thank for this, do I not?" He said, gesturing down at himself.

He was wearing a pair of black jeans, not too tight, not too loose, and a thin black shirt with short sleeves that highlighted slight array of muscles. Holly blinked. Had Artemis been working out? His hair was combed and it cascaded down his head where it clung slightly to his ears. There were a few stray strands in his face, but he didn't seem to notice. Holly did, however. It made him look incredibly handsome.

_Get a grip, girl! He's about seventy years younger than you and he's human! _

"Um, love the T-shirt Artemis." Was all she could get out.

Artemis looked down. "Yes, I suppose it _is_ better than that _awful_ sweatshirt in Munich." He shuddered. "I am _never_ wearing anything like that again!"

Holly smiled, trying to picture Artemis Fowl in a sweatshirt. She failed.

"So, where am I going?" He asked, sitting down elegantly on a chair in her small kitchen and picking up a cup of Elvin coffee. He took three sips and said, "My, Holly that is good. I take it your beans are naturally grown?"

Holly nodded. "Yep. But no matter how good our coffee it, we still get _millions_ worth of contraband a year in cappuccino machines."

Artemis raised his eyebrows. "Cappuccino machines? Fairies have a coffee dependence then?"

Holly nodded. "Oh yeah. I prefer good old protein shakes, myself, but if some of the younger Fairies don't get at least three a day, they start to get antsy. Things get blown up."

Ah. Artemis nodded. "So, where are our friends?"

Holly looked at her watch. "Oh, I told them that I'd meet them after I dropped you off. I rented a car."

Artemis gave her a clinical look. "Holly, you know you have to be able to reach the foot pedals, right?"

Holly shot him a defiant look. "If Mulch Diggums can do it, so can I! and besides, I got us a driver."

That completely threw Artemis. "A driver? Who?"

Holly pointed out the window behind Artemis and Artemis looked out to see a very small person waving at him. He waved back uncertainly and then pulled his head back in. "Who is that?" He asked.

Holly smiled. "Doodah Day, of course!"

Artemis blanched. "You got another fairy?!"

The first time they'd met Doodah Day, the first time Artemis had met him at least, they'd needed him to distract an entire security team by posing as a little boy from the household. Doodah Day had done exemplary, until the security guards had given chase and the fairy was _forced _to accelerate the little toy car he was using to over sixty miles an hour, which he used to jump over the fence that protected the house and away to safety.

Artemis remembered Mulch Diggums saying, "He's crazy! That pixie is crazy! Give me your gun, Holly I'm gonna shoot him!" The reason for this threat was, as they later found out, that Doodah had nearly gotten them incinerated and blown up when they were in the tunnels, riding the flares. Also, Mulch had been stuck on Doodahs lap the entire time, since the pod was only built for one.

He also remembered how fast Doodah had made the toy car go, and he shuddered.

But Holly just shrugged. "That fairy can drive anything, including the black Ferrari I rented."

If possible, Artemis's face got even paler. "You're going to let a fairy who made a toy car go over sixty miles an hour. . . drive a Ferrari?"

Holly nodded. "Yep. I can't drive one of those contraptions. And you're below age."

_"Holly,"_ Artemis said exasperatedly. "I've piloted _Lear jets _before! How bad can a _car_ be?!"

Holly folded her arms. "Sorry Arty. Rules are rules."

Artemis groaned, then he sighed. "Very well. When do we leave?"

"In a few minutes. I just need to get my gear together and put on some human clothes."

"I take it you're not dressing like a kindergartener this time?"

Holly couldn't think of a comeback for that one, so she just punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow!" Artemis said, rubbing his shoulder. "What was that for? It was a honest question!"

Holly flashed him a grin. "Reflextory."

Artemis snorted and she stood up. "I'll be out in a few minutes." She said, and disappeared behind the door that led to her bedroom.

A few minutes later, Holly emerged, looking for all the world like a normal teenager and not at all like a fairy in disguise. She wore very small shoes that laced all the way up to her calf, a pair of blue jeans, and a green T-shirt that said: **EXTREME PIXIES **in big block letters with a pair of wings coming out of the E and the S.

"A fairy band, I take it?" Artemis asked, gesturing to the shirt.

Holly nodded. "Best under the world."

Artemis looked her up and down, trying to decide if she would pass for human.

Her crew cut was hidden under a very convincing-looking auburn wig which was pulled back into a ponytail, and her ears were also covered. Artemis found himself missing her ears. But the thing that had Artemis slack-jawed most of all was her height. She'd grown at least a foot in a few minutes.

Holly noticed him looking at her feet and said, "Stilts hidden inside the shoes. They make walking difficult, but I'll manage."

"Interesting. Did Juliet purchase them for you?"

"Nope. I got them custom-made from a shoe-maker in Haven."

"Excellent work," He said. "Walk around in them, would you?" He asked.

She obliged and he saw that they worked perfectly. They didn't labor her speed and they looked completely normal. Artemis applauded.

Holly smiled. "C'mon, Mud man. Let's get going. You have a doctor to impress." Then she turned and headed to the doorway. Artemis followed, holding his coffee cup.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Artemis got downstairs, (he used the Elevator. Holly had opted for the stairs.) and through the lobby, he found Doodah day there, making conversation with the desk clerk who's name tag read _Clarissa_.

"Hello Doodah," He said as he got closer. Then he realized how stupid that sounded.

The desk clerk didn't notice, however. She was too fixated on Doodahs skin, which was green.

Doodah looked around and said, "Hey Arty. Captain Short's in the car already. She just wanted me to wait here in case you chickened out, and then I met the lovely miss Frank here,"

"Oh, call me Clarissa, Doodah." She said, smiling.

Doodah blushed, making the skin on his cheeks glow a shade of olive green.

Artemis watched all this with fascination. "OK, Doodah, let's get going." As the flirting fairy waved goodbye to the desk clerk, Artemis hissed, "She's not even your species!"

Doodah shrugged. "The ladies can't resist me, and I can't resist vehicles. Web of life, mud boy."

Artemis snorted. "So, what can't the cars resist?"

Doodah thought about it for a minute, and then said, "A tune up. Now let's get going. When I saw Short, she looked kind of irritable."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Irritable?"

Doodah nodded. "Yeah. And hey, sorry about Diggums. That fellow scared me outta my wits, but he was a good Dwarf."

Artemis nodded. "Yes. Thank you Doodah."

Doodah and Artemis made their way to the Ferrari across the street, where they found Holly sitting in the shotgun seat and waiting for them.

"Why should you get shotgun?" Artemis complained.

Doodah sniggered and covered it up with a cough.

"Because I was here first, Fowl. Now get in. We're almost late!"

Artemis obliged and soon found himself speeding through traffic and wishing he hadn't.

XXXXXXXXXX

Twenty terrifying minutes later, Holly and Artemis staggered out onto the sidewalk.

"OK, I changed my mind. When he comes back, you can have shotgun." Holly said, leaning against an alley. "In fact, you can have shotgun the entire time we're here!"

Artemis, who's eyes were wide and trying not to scream, shook his head and managed, "No, you're welcome to it."

"Alright kiddies, I'll see you later!" Doodah said and revved the accelerator. "Knock 'em dead, Arty!"

He waved and Holly and Artemis turned and headed up the flowered sidewalk to the Institute. Doodah waved again and then sped off, breaking a few speeding laws and a stop sign along the way.

As they walked and Artemis slowly regained his power of speech, he asked, "I thought you were going to meet Butler and the others after dropping me off."

Holly nodded. Her eyes were still very wide. "Not after riding with _that_ pixie. No way! I'll walk, thanks. And besides, Butler asked me to keep an eye on you until you were inside the Institute."

Artemis nodded. That sounded like the kind of promise Butler would ask her to make.

"Are you going to go in?" He asked. The doors were coming up fast.

Holly thought about it. "Sure. It'll give me a chance to practice acting human. Just remember, I'm supposed to be your girlfriend."

Artemis winced. "How about sister?"

Holly rolled her eyes. "Get with it, Artemis. The commander already said that Juliet was going to be your sister."

Artemis rolled his eyes back and said, "Girlfriend. Got it."

He grimaced as they pushed the doors open and thought, _W__hat am I getting myself into?!_


	6. Ch 6: Meeting Bones

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl or Bones. **

* * *

**Jeffersonian Institute, Washington D.C**

Hodgins and Angela were sitting in Hodgins's lab. Hodgins was trying to find something that pointed to cause of death for a small set of green remains that they'd been called in to investigate that had been found in a storm drain. Angela was there mainly for moral support.

Hodgins was just about to take a scraping from the bones to try and determine what the green was when a tall pale boy walked through the doors of the lab. Both Angela and Hodgins looked up and Hodgins said, "Hey kid, you lost? This part of the Jeffersonian is off limits to the public."

The boy looked at him and said, "I'm not the public. My name is Apollo Fair and I'm here for an internship with Doctor Brennan."

Hodgins looked at Angela and Angela looked at him. "Um, OK. She's in her office. Three doors down."

The boy nodded and, without a word, turned and walked away.

Hodgins glanced at Angela and Angela said, "What do you think? Goth?"

"Totally." Hodgins said. "And what was with that name? Apollo_ Fair?"_

Angela shrugged. "Hey, it was better than my name!"

Hodgins rolled his eyes. Angela had never told him her real name."Hm. Well, I guess anything could be better than that, since you changed in as soon as you could."

Angela nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."

XXXXXXXX

Artemis walked out of what he presumed was the lab of Doctor Hodgins and saw Holly, staring at the floor.

"What's wrong, Holly?" He asked. Holly looked up.

"Oh, nothing." Holly's eyes gave her away, though. He could tell she felt incredibly conscious about herself.

"Holly, you look fine." He said, patting her shoulder gently.

Holly looked up in surprise at the mud boy. Was he trying to be nice?

"Um, thank you Art- Apollo." She laughed. "I'm _never _going to get used to that."

Artemis nodded. "It'll take me a long time to adjust to answering to it as well."

The door Doctor Hodgins had indicated was coming up and he asked Holly, "Are you sure you want to go in with me?"

Holly nodded, steeling her nerves. She'd faced down Trolls, maniacal pixies, bio-bombs and demons. She could surely pass as _normal._

"OK." Artemis and Holly walked up and Artemis turned the knob. The door swung open. Artemis and Holly stepped inside.

XXXXXXXX

Doctor Brennan looked up when her door opened and was surprised to see a young man and woman step into her office. "Yes, can I help you?" She asked.

"Doctor Brennan, My name is Apollo Fair. I'm here about an internship."

Doctor Brennen nodded. "Yes, I remember. I got a telephone call from you two days ago."

The young man nodded. "Yes, and here I am."

Doctor Brennen straightened up and looked Apollo up and down. "Well, your credentials seem very well prepared, and you seem like a serious individual. I expect nothing less from a member of my team." She said. Holly had printed up some fake creds and faxed them to the Doctor.

"I am indeed. I am studying many different areas to maximize my educational standing and Anthropology is the last. After this, I can finally fully view my options for jobs in the future."

Brennen nodded. It seemed like a smart way to plan your future. "Yes, I agree. But why have you picked _Forensic _Anthropology? There are many different fields of Anthropology."

Apollo smiled and Brennan, who was hardly scared by anything, felt a shiver go down her spine. "Well, apart from the thrill of working with such a renowned Doctor as yourself, I enjoy mysteries. I like finding the absolute truth of things."

Brennen nodded again. "That sounds like a good regime for life, Mr. Fair."

Apollo winced. Apparently he disliked his name. "Indeed. So, how far have you gotten on the identification?"

Brennan was about to answer, but then she remembered the young girl with him. "Not very. And who is this?"

Both Apollo and the girl jumped slightly, and then they recovered themselves. "This is my, ah, girlfriend, Thistle." Apollo said uncomfortably.

Thistle glared at Apollo for a second, then nodded at her. "Glad to meet you, Doctor."

Doctor Brennan nodded. "Likewise. Tell me, Thistle, are you following your boyfriend's interests in Anthropology?"

Thistle shook her head. "Nope. I plan to be in law enforcement, myself. He's the brains, I'm the brawn."

Doctor Brennen thought about passing comment, but she decided not to. The young woman looked small, but there was a very rough look to her.

"Indeed," Apollo said, squeezing Thistle's hand.

Brennen sighed. She never understood modern young people.

"Well, would you like to see the bones and tell me what you can discern?" Doctor Brennan asked.

Apollo nodded. "Yes, please." He did so reluctantly and Brennen noticed.

"Squeamishness is not tolerated here, Mr. Fair. If you can't handle blood and guts, then you should've gone to cultural Anthropology."

Apollo retained his stony expression. "No, Doctor Brennen. I'm not squeamish. Actually, I look forward to viewing my first real skeleton."

Thistle shuddered and Doctor Brennen sighed. "Well, that's a relief. Maybe your girlfriend would like to wait for you outside. The lounge or the food court, perhaps?"

Thistle shook her head. "I actually have business elsewhere." She turned to Apollo and said, "I'll pick you up later, OK?"

Apollo nodded. Doctor Brennen turned back to her notes and she didn't catch Apollo bending down quickly to give Thistle a quick kiss on the forehead.

When she turned back to them, Apollo said, "I'll be back in a minute, Doctor Brennen."

Doctor Brennen nodded without much concern and the two quickly exited, Thistle first, then Apollo.

XXXXXXXXXX

When they got outside the forensic area, Holly turned to him and poked him hard in the chest. "Firstly, I never agreed on a name. Thistle? Really?"

Artemis shrugged. "It seemed fitting, since you branded me with a antonym for a name. Just be glad I didn't call you Thistle Tall."

Holly glowered at him. "Secondly, what was that for?" She asked, pointing to the spot where he'd kissed her.

Artemis's cheeks glowed slightly rosy. "You told me that we're supposed to be a couple! I just did what a couple would do!"

Holly was about to make a sharp retort, when she noticed the look in Artemis's eyes. He looked kind of. . . sad? embarrassed? Finally, Holly said, "Well, A for effort."

Artemis gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean? Effort starts with an E."

Holly just smiled and sighed. Same old Artemis Fowl. "Well, I've got to go. I'll pick you up with Doodah in about three hours. See what you can find out."

Artemis nodded and Holly just stood there for a few minutes. Finally, she said, "OK. Well, I'll see you later Artemis." Artemis nodded and, after another second, Holly turned away and headed back down the stairs and out of the Institute.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Cafe where Butler had agreed to meet her with Juliet and Root was a few blocks away, so Holly had a little bit to think about what had happened.

Why had he kissed her? she knew it wasn't because he wanted to look convincing. The doctor had her back to them when he'd done it, and he'd known that. Why? Maybe it had something to do with puberty and her looking like a human. Well, whatever the reason, Holly wasn't mad at him for doing it.

She headed down a street and through a crosswalk, still thinking about him. Maybe it was because he didn't have much experience in this area of lying? He'd probably only read about it in books.

She was so bust thinking that she barely noticed Juliet waving at her. "Holly!"

Holly looked up and said, "Oh, hey guys."

Root was sitting with Juliet and Butler at a secluded table at the edge of the cafe. Juliet was munching on a plate of waffles and Butler wasn't eating anything. Root was just sipping coffee out a huge mug.

She walked over and said, "Hey." She pulled up a chair and said, "So, how'd it go?" She asked Butler.

"Well, It seemed that they had a few outstanding warrants for a few of my aliases, so I'm not able to apply for the internship. Juliet did, though."

Juliet beamed. "I sure did! I applied for the internship and got it easily, thanks to your papers, Holly. Thank the horsey boy for me too, won't you?"

Holly nodded. "So, what did you learn?"

"Well, I met him, talked to him. Asked him about the cases he was working on. His name is Seeley Booth, and he was pretty cute."

Butler grunted but didn't say anything. "And, what was your alias, Juliet?"

Juliet smiled. "Titania Albert."

Holy blinked. "Titania?"

"Yeah, from a Midsummer Night's Dream. Since my name is a Shakespearean creation, I thought I'd use another one of his names and Titania was the only one I liked."

Holly frowned. "But what about Albert?"

Juliet rolled her eyes. "What's the most famous butler you know?"

Holly shrugged.

"ALBERT!" Juliet burst out. Holly gave her a curious look. "From Batman?" Juliet said, hinting.

Holly shook her head. "Doesn't mean a thing to me."

Juliet sighed. Fairies were sadly lacking in culture. "Fine. Remind me to get you that move when this is all over."

Holly shot Butler a look but Butler just smiled at his younger sister.

"OK. So, what did you find out from this Booth guy?" She asked, eager to get this discussion back on track.

"Well, he told me there was no positive identification yet." Juliet said.

"Good. Then we got here just in time for Foaly to work his computer magic." Holly said, looking down at the earth where she knew he would be waiting in Ops booth for them to all come back, safe and sound. Only one of them wouldn't be safe and sound. He was already dead.

XXXXXXXXX

When Artemis got back to the Institute, He noticed Doctor Brennen was nowhere to be seen. So, not knowing what to do, he grabbed a lab coat and slipped it on. Then he headed to the platform where the bones were.

When he saw them he let out a sad sigh.

"I know," someone said behind him. No matter how many face reconstructions I do here, I can never get over it." He turned around and was the woman that had been in Doctor Hodgins's lab.

"I don't believe I've had the pleasure." He said, holding out his hand.

"No, you haven't. I'm Angela, Montenegro. I do facial reconstructions." She took his hand ans shook it carefully.

"Fascinating. I'm Apollo Fair." Artemis said.

Angela looked him up and down and after a while asked, "How old are you, Apollo?"

"Eighteen, miss Montenegro."

"Just Angela, please Apollo. Hm. Are you new to town?"

He nodded. "Yes. I'm here with my sister and my. . . girlfriend." he hesitated before the last word and Angela could tell he was a little bit nervous.

"Oh. That's cool. So, how long are you going to be here?"

Artemis shrugged. "As long as it takes." Angela frowned.

"You mean the case?"

He smiled and Angela felt a crackle of fear go down her spine. "What else could I mean?"

Angela was about to ask him what he meant when she heard someone coming up the stairs behind her. She turned and said, "Hodgins!" Gratefully.

Hodgins looked up from his tray of soil samples and saw Angela and the new kid standing over the bones.

"Ange, what are you doing here?"

Angela's gratefulness turned to skepticism. "I work here, you dolt."

"As do I," Said Apollo. "I was just discussing miss Montenegro's fascinating job here at the Jeffersonian. Your must be interesting too, Doctor Hodgins. Bugs and slime is, I believe, what you describe it as?"

Hodgins nodded. "Yeah. What, have you been reading up on us?"

Apollo shrugged. "I do like scientific journals."

Hodgins looked at Angela and said, "Brennen picked another her."

Angela nodded and before Artemis could retort, they walked off to Hodgins's office.

That left Artemis alone and wondering if any of these people besides Doctor Brennen were real professionals.

XXXXXXXX

About an hour and a half later, the rest of the team walked up onto the platform and Apollo had a chance to introduce himself to Cam.

"Hello. I am Apollo Fair."

"Camile Saroyan. I'm the coroner and head of this team."

Apollo shook her hand and then he said, "Pardon me, Doctor Saroyan, but I thought Doctor Brennen was the head of the forensic anthropology unit?"

Cam smiled, but it was obvious that this had been a constant thorn in her side for a while. "Doctor Brennan may be the expert, but I am the head of this team."

"Ah. My mistake."

Apollo smiled and Cam was treated to the smile that had made grown men cower. Luckily for Cam, she was able to hide her emotions well, but not well enough that Artemis couldn't see the twitch in her left eye and the flattening of her smile, which he did.

A few minutes later, while he was again looking at the bones, he noticed Doctor Brennen come up onto the platform, accompanied by a tall, older-looking man with a black federal suit and a flashy belt buckle. Artemis instantly disliked him.

Doctor Brennen stopped to talk with Doctor Hodgins and Angela, then she made her way over to him. The federal man who, Artemis supposed, must be Agent Booth, stayed talking to Angela and Doctor Hodgins. They glanced his way a few times and he knew they were they were talking about him.

_Let them, _he thought. Doctor Brennen made her way over to him and said, "Hello Apollo. Glad to see you've already met Angela, Hodgins and Cam." Apollo nodded. "Yes. You seem to have compiled quite a team, Doctor Brennen."

Doctor Brennen nodded. "Yes. They are the best in the world."

Apollo glanced over her shoulder and frowned. "Who is that?"

She looked over her shoulder. "Oh, him? That's Booth. He's my partner. Would you like to meet him?"

Apollo shrugged. "Of course. Always happy to meet another one of the team."

Brennen smiled and said over her shoulder, "Booth!"

The man she called Booth turned around to look and that was when Artemis caught his gaze. Cold, calculating. Perfect.

He held Booth's gaze for a few moments as he made his way over to them, then Booth's eyes switched to Doctor Brennen.

"Booth," Doctor Brennen said, "I would like you to meet my new intern, Apollo Fair. Apollo, this is my partner, Seeley Booth."

Artemis looked up at Booth again and smiled his vampire smile. "Hello." He said, extending his hand.

Booth took it and Artemis squeezed slightly, pressing a patch of nerve clusters on the edged of Booth's pinky finger. Butler had taught him that a long time ago. Booth would feel a very strong grip, but in reality he wasn't squeezing at all.

After a few seconds, Booth spoke. "So,_ Apollo," _He said. Artemis cringed slightly. "How long do you plan on interning here with Doctor Brennan?"

Artemis shrugged and gave the same answer he'd given Doctor Brennen and Angela. "For as long as I need to. I have to complete my medical studies with a term in Anthropology so, perhaps a week. Maybe less."

Booth nodded and began firing off bunch of questions which Artemis answered with ease.

After Booth was done, Artemis turned to Doctor Brennan. "I believe you wanted me to E-mail all accessible dental records in state to your computer, correct doctor Brennan?" He asked. Doctor Brennen had approached him earlier when he'd been standing around with nothing to do.

Bones nodded. "Are they there now?"

"No." Artemis said and he smiled. "After pulling up all the data, I decided that it might be easier for me to spend half an hour on the computer, sifting than to have you, or the esteemed miss Montenegro, sifting through hundreds of files. So, I wrote a quick program to eliminate the useless files. Anything not pertaining to people with extremely large teeth or early wisdom teeth, I sent back to the city Archival server."

Doctor Brennen looked extremely impresses. "So, after all that sifting, how many files were left?"

"One hundred and fourteen, he replied. "Those I sifted through myself. I looked through every single file, word for word, but I couldn't find anything that pertained to the case."

Booth interrupted. "Well, he's probably an ex-con who got himself wiped from the system for a few bucks. FBI searchers will find something."

Artemis smirked again, but inside he was struggling to remember what Holly had told him on the plane to say.

Holly, knowing that the FBI had to have somewhere to start, concerning the identity of the bones, had come up with a clever little scheme. She had had Foaly hack into the FBI website and look for Mulch's aliases, Lance Digger and Mo Digence. Everything the police had on him as both aliases was tucked into one little USB drive in his pocket. Now all he had to do was come up with a convincing lie about how he'd gotten it.

"Well, as a matter of fact, after I'd finished with the Archival files, I decided to delve a little deeper. Nothing is safe on the internet, I hope you know that, Agent Booth." He said, smiling his vampire smile again.

Booth was about to make a rude retort when Doctor Brennen put her hand on his shoulder. "Go on. What did you find?"

"I found a small data leak in the FBI's server mainframe. I by-passed it with a couple of my own programs, and then ended up scrolling through the Criminal logs."

Artemis glanced at Doctor Brennen, who was now frowning slightly. "Criminal logs are lists of convicts, felons, prisoners or aquitees that this sector has put away or tagged, if you want to use naval term." He smiled. 'Tagged' was something else Butler had taught him.

Booth's eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute, you by-passed a secure Federal server? That's hacking! You hired a hacker! I could charge you with trespassing and larceny."

Artemis bowed his head in mock shame. "I agree, it was a bit unorthodox, but this case is my first and I'd like to contribute as much as I can. Besides, using a breadcrumb trail,"

"Breadcrumb trail?"

"It's a technical term, Doctor Brennan. It means following a trail of data through a maze of computer files until you find the right file. Anyway, I checked everything. Missing Person's reports, misdemeanor files, but nothing came up. At least, nothing until I did a little poking around the FBI State connection server."

Booth just stared at him.

"Well?" Doctor Brennen said. "Go on."

Artemis smirked again and it grew wider when he saw that Booth's face was getting red.

"Well, I found a connection to Interpol off-site and I followed it. Then I checked their missing persons report and what do you know? There were two files which I think fit our friend down here, right down to an M." He looked down at Mulch and sighed sadly.

"'Down to a T,' Apollo, the phrase is 'down to a T.'" Doctor Brennen said as she stared down at the bones. "Where did the connection lead?" She asked, looking back up at him.

_Now._ "Why don't you read it yourself?" He said as he pulled out the USB drive and handed it to her.

Doctor Brennen looked so pleased that Artemis couldn't help actually blushing a bit. "Excellent work, Apollo." And then she walked off down the stairs of the platform and back to her office.

Artemis smiled and, knowing he was most likely going to get a reprimand for by-passing the FBI server, which, in all modesty, hadn't taken more than a few minutes. A reprimand which he would rather not stand through, so he slipped off his lab coat, checked his watch and saw that it was almost time for him to meet Holly. He headed for the stairs and was gone before Booth had turned around.


	7. Ch 7: Titania Albert

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to Bones of Artemis Fowl. **

* * *

**J. Edgar Hoover Building, Washington D.C **

"Name?"

"Titania Albert, Agent Booth."

Booth looked up from his papers and raised an eyebrow at the girl in front of him. She was Caucasian, tall, and she looked more like a bodyguard than a FBI agent in training.

"Titania? Isn't that from Shakespeare?"

The girl nodded. "Yep. Midsummer Night's Dream. My parents were English professors in Europe for a few years and in honor of their time there, they decided to name me after that character."

Booth raised both eyebrows. "English professors? And you want to apply to the FBI . . ."

"Because they thought it would be a better-paying job than my previous one."

"Which is?"

"Dock hand."

Booth's eyes nearly rose all the way up to his hairline. "Dock hand? What, you swabbed decks on pirate ships?"

Titania shook her head. "No. I helped lift cargo and manage heavy machinery."

"Of course," Booth muttered. He was kind of annoyed that the chief had given him newbie-sitting duty.

Ever since his comeback from his tumor surgery, the chief had been reluctant to let him out into the field, especially with his marksmanship test coming up. He needed to be re-certified for his gun. So now, the chief had come up with another reason for him to stay in behind his desk; Namely, this new girl who'd apparently been drafted in from Ireland. It was his job to keep an eye on her, although Booth could tell just from looking at her that she could probably lay him flat in a few punches. Maybe one.

"Hey, I have all my certifications." The girl said, gesturing towards the paper on his desk. "I'm a registered markswoman and I have my own gun." She said, pulling a very big handgun out of her purse.

Booth nearly jumped up. "Whoa! How'd you get that in here?"

Titania shrugged. "I told the guys I was an agent. And I am!" She said, pulling a badge and showing him. He groaned. Maybe this was more than babysitting duty.

"So, wait, what are you here for, exactly?" He asked, eying the gun.

"I'm here to keep an eye on you." She said, and then she smiled. "The chief had ordered me to accompany you everywhere, since you don't have a gun. I'm kind of like a bodyguard."

Booth's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "My marksman certification test is two days from now! I don't need a baby-sitter."

"Sorry, friend. Orders from up top. I'm supposed to stick to you like glue. An order I would rather not obey."

Booth smiled in relief. "Great! So you can go on back to Scotland-"

"Ireland." She interrupted. "And it's not that simple. I _would _rather not obey that order, except for the fact that I read that you are partners with the best forensic anthropologist in the world, Dr. Temperance Brennan, also known as Bones."

Booth groaned. "So, _that's_ why you applied to this job? Because of meeting a celebrate like Bones?"

Titania smiled, showing very white teeth. "That, and the thrill of meeting Ex-sniper Seeley J. Booth, the second-best crime-solver in the world."

Booth froze. "Excuse me?"

Titania's smile grew by two molars. "I've done my googling. That, and I have many friends connected to the underground grapevine."

Booth grimaced. He'd done a lot to hide his past from his friends and superiors at the FBI. "That is confidential information."

Titania smiled. "Oh no, it's completely public, to those who can find the right files."

Booth groaned again. "So, what do you want?" He asked, convinced that she was out to blackmail him.

Titania's smile grew ever broader. "Why, what I came here to do in the first place! I mean, I was going to keep an eye on you anyway, but this is just a small amount of insurance."

Booth gritted his teeth and said, "Fine. You're up. Just . . . Don't interfere with my case."

Titania gave a firm salute and said, "Sir, yes sir!"

Booth just put his head in his left hand and muttered, "And don't be a smart ass."

She smiled. "I assure you, Agent Booth I am very smart, although it has very little to do with my ass."

Booth lifted his head as she left and he remembered Bones telling him the exact same thing a few years ago.

XXXXXXXX

"Ah, there you are, Holly."

Artemis Fowl was standing on the steps of the Jeffersonian Institute, waiting for her. She was almost three minutes late, when he looked up and noticed she was standing ten feet away hiding behind a very big and ornate flower pot filled with begonias.

Holly, who was thinking deep thoughts, jumped about half her normal height when he spoke and turned guiltily to face him.

"Hey, Artemis." She said, fingering the hem of her T-shirt.

He walked over to her and smiled. "So, did everything go as planned? Is Butler installed in the FBI Building?"

Holly glanced around and said, "Let's get to the hotel first. Or the cafe. I prefer the hotel, personally, but I don't care honestly."

Artemis shrugged. "Hotel is fine. To be honest, the walk might do us both a bit of good."

Holly grimaced. "Yeah. Better than riding with Doodah again!"

"I highly agree." Then Artemis and Holly headed off down the sidewalk. Before they got very far, Holly noticed Artemis look back at the institute and he smiled.

"Artemis, are you supposed to be there right now?" She asked, leaning towards him and he turned away, blushing. "Artemis Fowl, are you playing hooky from work?"

"It's not like that! You told me to meet you-"

She laughed and punched him on the arm. "Oh relax, mud boy. I know what I told you. I'm just joking."

Artemis blushed harder. "Holly, that is not amusing."

Holly smiled even wider. "Oh, it is for me!"

Artemis scowled.

XXXXXXXXX

After that, they didn't talk much on the way to the hotel. Holly kept trying to weasel come kind of conversation out of Artemis, but he just clamped his mouth shut and continued to walk.

About a block from the hotel, Artemis broke his silence and said quietly, "Holly, don't look now, but we appear to be being followed."

Holly, despite her training, looked around behind them and saw that there was indeed a trio of boys following them. They all wore the same thing; Ts and jeans with spiked belts, and they all had muscles like Michelangelo statues. They all also had identical looks on their faces and were all looking at her, although their gaze was focused on a place somewhat lower that her face.

Holly turned around swiftly, her cheeks blushing and her lower lip quivering in indignation. She caught sight of Artemis smirking at her and she had to stick her fists in her pockets and talk through her teeth to stop herself from punching him right there.

"How long have they been following us?" she asked.

Artemis raised his eyebrow. "Honestly Holly, I expect a less-seasoned recon officer would've turned around and alerted them to our knowing their presence, but a Captain of _your _caliber."

"Can the lip, Fowl. Just tell me." She growled.

He shrugged. "About ten minutes, I should think. They saw us by that alleyway leading to the trashcans."

Holly groaned. "what do you think they want?"

As if in answer one of the boys, the leader, called out loudly, "Hey sweetie, why don't you dump the goth and head on with us?"

This time it was Artemis who had to stick his fists in his pockets.

"_Goth?_" Holly asked, confused.

"Apparently it's a nickname for people who wear black." Artemis said.

Holly chuckled, then she glanced back. "So, what are we going to do?" she asked.

Artemis shrugged. "I have no clue."

He glanced back again and the leader took the opportunity to say, "Dude, he looks like an old crow. How long has it been since you had a shower, man?"

Artemis seethed. "A day and a half! _They_ look like someone ran over them with a truck! What's their excuse?"

Holy chuckled again. "Relax, mud boy. I can handle them if they get too rowdy." she tapped her hip and Artemis saw the buzz baton cleverly hidden in her belt loop.

Artemis glanced behind once more and then muttered, "That time may be sooner than you think. Bother! I wish we had Juliet or Butler here!"

Holly smiled. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, mud boy. I'm more than enough to handle these juveniles."

Artemis winked. "It's the juveniles I'm worried about."

After another ten minutes, they were so close that Holly could feel the leader breathing down her neck. Suddenly, without rehearsing or planning it, both she and Artemis turned around simultaneously and the juveniles had to jump back to stop from running into them. The leader quickly regained his composure and he walked closer to Holly.

"Hey doll. Where ya headed?"

Holly just narrowed her eyes at him. "Somewhere. Why are you following us?"

The guy sniggered. "Ooh, feisty."

Holly stared hard at him. She did not like being sniggered at, nor did she enjoy being called feisty. She thought it was time for these juveniles to know who they were dealing with.

"I'll give you one more chance: Tell me, why are you following us?"

The boy didn't answer. Instead, he glanced at Artemis and said, "This guy your boyfriend or something?"

Artemis didn't move. He knew what was happening, he just didn't know when. "Is that your business?"

"Yes on the boyfriend then." The guy said. He sized Artemis up. "What's your name, goth?"

"I am not goth. I just prefer these clothes to the normal attire of this generation."

The guy faked a look of surprise and turned to his friends, who were laughing. "Wow guys! It's not every day you find a goth_-brain_! Tell me, goth-brain, what's the square root of two-thousand and forty-six?"

Artemis sighed. "Forty-five point two. and My name is not goth-brain. In fact, my name is none of your business, so leave us alone before my girlfriend is forced to taze you."

The guy looked at his friends, then back at Holly, who's hand was straying towards her buzz baton. "I will do it," she warned.

The guys started to back away. All except the leader. "Go on," He said. "You don't got a tazer. That's illegal."

Artemis smiled. "Not this kind of tazer, and I assure you she does."

Holly reached towards her pocket and a split second later, the guy lunged and grabbed Artemis by the throat.

"Alright Missy, listen here; I'm gonna lat your boyfriend go, so long as you let _me_ go without tazering me. OK? now back up against the-" the guy never finished his sentence. Artemis, who had been taking several lessons from Juliet and Butler in the art of self-defense, had knocked the guy out with a well-timed elbow to the jaw.

Holly watched in amazement as the guy slid to the ground, clutching his bleeding face.

"Moron." Artemis said, glaring down at him and massaging his neck. "That's the stupidest way to get a hold of someone. not only did it free up my arms and legs, it didn't even restrict my breathing! Pathetic."

Holly looked up at him with a look of puzzlement on her face. "And you know this. . . how?"

Artemis smiled. "Butler and Juliet have, in their words, decided to turn me from a 'pasty-faced computer nerd,' that was Juliet, into a 'well-trained adversary,' that was Butler, 'So I don't have to risk my neck so much. I'm old, Artemis'." Artemis smiled. "I, of course, objected until Juliet said that she would get Foaly to dump my entire fortune into a children's welfare fund." Artemis shuddered. "So, the rigorous training began. I'll tell you more when we get back to the hotel."

Holly, utterly impressed, followed the mud boy down another block and up the stairs to their rooms, where Juliet, Root, and Butler were waiting.


	8. Ch 8: Confusion Says

**Hello my lovelies! Long long time no see! ****I seriously love this story, and I think I'll take a break from my Rise of the Guardians Fanfic to write a few more chapters of this one and my other Artemis Fowl Fanfic which, if you don't know, is called Artemis Fowl: the Child in Me. **

**I want to apologize to my readers and Favoriters and Reviewers, of which there aren't many, for neglecting my Artemis Fowl stories. I have no excuses! Beat me with sticks for forgetting this story!**

**OK, maybe don't. Anyway, here's the next thrilling chapter for The Mystery in the Mulch! **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"THERE you are!" Juliet's voice said as Artemis pushed through the door to his apartment, closely followed by Holly.

Neither of them had spoken much on their walk back to the hotel, but Holly's head was brimming with questions. Most of then centered around Artemis's new physique and how he'd attained it so quickly. The last time she'd seen the mud boy was a few months ago, and he'd still been a skinny pale-faced mud boy with the coordination skills of a stinkworm playing soccer.

"Here we are." Artemis agreed as he headed over to his bed and kicked off his shoes.

Holly pulled up a chair and sat down at the small table provided in Artemis's room, her eyes fixed on the pale-faced youth.

_Not a youth for much longer, _her irritating yet accurate brain said. _I'll have to start calling him mud _man _more often. _

Juliet came through a small swinging door, holding an almost dry sauce pan and wearing a white apron with the words _Kiss The Cook _printed in thick black letters. "Hi guys! Have a nice day at work, Arty?"

Artemis looked up, caught sight of her apron, and sighed. "Juliet, I would prefer you not wear that thing in my presence. People might think we know each other."

Holly giggled. "Burn." She said, laughing.

Juliet frowned and looked down at her apron with a confused expression on her face. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

Artemis didn't comment. The silence was filled by Holly's chuckling.

Juliet pouted for a minute, then she put the pan down on the table Holly was sitting at and slipped off the apron. "Fine. I just didn't want to get my shirt wet." She mumbled.

"Incidentally," Artemis said, looking up at her once the offending apron was shoved in a cabinet. "Why are you drying a sauce pan, Juliet?"

Juliet looked up from her squatted position in front of a third level drawer where she was fumbling through some silverware. She had a broad grin on her face. "Well, you do want to eat, right?"

Holly's head snapped up. "Eat? Food?" She said excitedly. She sounded like a parrot, Artemis thought, smiling slightly.

Juliet smiled and said, "Yes fairy girl. Food. Since I'm fairly certain Artemis doesn't even know how to cook and Butler would probably make us all some fancy-shmansy dinner that none of us can pronounce, I decided to take it upon myself to make dinner for us all."

Artemis looked up from the bookshelf that he was re-organizing to pass the time and said hotly, "I do indeed know how to cook. I've made sandwiches for myself on many occasions."

Holly chuckled when she pictured Artemis wearing Juliet's apron, making a towering sandwich that had everything from chicken wings, _with_ the bones, to sauerkraut.

Juliet gave him a knowing look and said, "Three times isn't _many occasions_, Arty. Besides, I like cooking!" She said happily as she grabbed another pot from a shelf. "It calms the mind, Butler says."

Artemis stood up, surveying the room. "And where is Butler?" He asked.

"For that matter, where's Root?" Holly interjected, looking around and noticing her Commander's lack of presence for the first time since they'd arrived.

"Oh, they're both in Butler's room, trading war stories." Juliet said, waving a dismissive hand at the door. "Butler told me to tell him when you two came in. Speaking of which," she said, setting down the pan and heading towards the door. "I should probably go tell him now. I'll be back in a minute. Don't kill each other while I'm gone," She said, winking at Artemis and giving Holly a toothy grin.

Artemis just sighed and Holly rolled her eyes. Juliet was like the sister she'd never had.

Artemis was thinking more along the lines of, _Juliet is worse than Mother. Always assuming I'm going to pick a fight with Holly._

Holly glanced around Artemis's room once more. She was amazed by how _big_ it was. His bed was over in one corner, and shelves of books that Artemis had brought from Ireland were screwed to the east wall. There was the blue swinging door that Juliet had just come through, which led to a small kitchen, Holly suspected. And another door that was brown wood and most likely led to a bathroom. There was a table, a few chairs, and even a TV, tucked away in a corner.

Holly thought it resembled her apartment back home. Only hers was much smaller. There were thick, red curtains over the windows and, since the sun was up and bright, light seeped through and tainted the green painted walls slightly pink. Eventually her gaze turned back to Artemis, laying on his bed and, to fill the silence she asked, "So, how was work?"

Artemis looked up from the book he'd picked up and replied, "Fine," then he'd lowered his gaze to the book again.

Holly walked over to his bed and climbed up next to him. "Good book?" She asked, peering at the inside of the book, which was covered in weird pictures and equations and words she had no idea how to pronounce and she was sure were in a different language.

"It poses the theory of inter-dimensional void transportation verses interplanetary void transportation," Artemis said without looking up from his book. "The two are completely dissimilar. So no, not really."

Holly sighed. "OK, I get it. You want to be left alone mud boy. Done." She slid across to the edge of the bed and stood up, heading towards the door.

Artemis looked up, confusion etched across his pale features. "What? Holly-"

Holly turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Artemis?"

Artemis knew she was trying to coax some sort of conversation or reaction out of him, and he knew she must feel bored, but just because he sympathized with her it didn't make her pestering him any less annoying.

He tried to smile like a normal person and said, "Just because I am reading doesn't mean I am not listening. I actually trained myself to carry on whole conversations while simultaneously reading and storing information inside my brain. If you want to talk, I'd be glad to oblige." He set his book down and picked up another two volumes, bound in red fabric with golden titles. "Or, if you'd like something else to occupy your time, I have some books on bio-luminescent flora and fauna."

Holly gave him a cynical look and he put the books back in their place, smiling. "Or, maybe not." He conceded.

"Doesn't it ever occur to you, Artemis, that you should talk to people more often?" Holly asked, walking back to the bed and climbing back up next to him.

Artemis picked up the book he'd been reading and opened it to the page he'd marked. "No, funnily enough it has not, Holly." He said, taking out the slim bookmark and placing it beside him on the bed. "Doubtless you and the rest of the world can handle speaking with individuals of lower or equal intelligence, but I find it troubling and often tiresome. Truth be told, some of the more intelligent conversations I've had have been with myself."

Holly laughed. Then she frowned, suspecting Artemis might just have called her dumb. "Well, I suppose that means you think _I _am one of those beings with equal or lower intelligence." She said, folding her arms and putting on a grouchy face.

Artemis laughed. "Yes, Holly. I'm afraid you are. Equal, barely. Lower, most likely."

Holly's expression became sullen and Artemis looked up from his book with a small smile on his face. "You shouldn't feel too bad, Holly. Remember, not even Foaly is rival to my intellect. And I'm certain that, given the right conditions, I could surpass even Opal Koboi."

Holly looked up to see Artemis frown, then a thoughtful expression came over his face. "Of course," He mused. "Then I would have to have a complete lack of morals, a fiendish desire for power, a case of criminal insanity, a complete disregard for life or humanity-"

"Don't you already have all those things?" Holly interrupted, smiling smugly.

"Well, the lack of morals, yes, but certainly not the desire for power or criminal insanity. I'd like to think you know me better than that, Holly."

"Oh? And what about the disregard for life or humanity?" Holly asked, poking him in the shoulder.

Artemis rubbed his arm. "That's becoming a bad habit, Captain Short." He said, reproachfully. Holly shrugged, still smiling.

"I poke everyone. What's so special about you?" She said, poking him again.

"Holly, please," Artemis said, rubbing his arm again. "I'm sure you can choose an alternative way of expressing yourself. Do so, and save my shoulder the barrage of poking it is sure to receive."

Holly's smile grew and she gave his arm another poke. "If I want to poke someone, I will! And just because he asks me to stop using fancy mud-man English doesn't mean I will!" She poked him again, and again, and again!

"Holly, please, my arm is becoming numb!" Artemis said, moving about a foot over to the left in an effort to get away from Holly's poking. Her fingers were sharp!

"Oh no, you're not gonna escape me that way, mud boy!" She said, letting out a laugh that Artemis found disturbingly similar to the cry of a hawk swooping down on it's prey and, quite literally, _pounced _on him!

"Hol-" Was all he managed to get out before she jumped on him and started poking gleefully. His book slid to the floor, forgotten.

"Think of this as revenge for all those snide comments and ribbings," Holly said as she pinned his legs by sitting on them and poked all over. She poked his arms, his chest, and virtually everywhere else, leaving small red marks all over his exposed skin. And boy did she poke hard!

"Holly, I demand you stop this accost on my person immediately!" Artemis said, rolling over so as to avoid her sharp fingers and unintentionally causing her to topple over, since she was sitting on his legs, and fall face-first into the bed.

"Oof!" Holly said as she landed.

Artemis smirked, jumping quickly up and grabbing a heavy book, just in case she tried to poke him again. "Now you know not to make the mistake of annoying me." He said, still smirking as Holly pushed herself up and did an impressive back-flip. Blue and hazel met blue and hazel and Artemis only had a split second to widen his eyes before he was tackled to the ground by the Elfin Captain.

The book flew out of his hand and landed a few feet away, but Artemis was too preoccupied with trying to keep said Elvin captain from poking him in the stomach.

"Holly, control yourself!" He said, trying to retain some shred of dignity.

"NAH!" Holly said. She was having way too much fun poking the mud boy, and he was powerless to stop her. She poked and poked, and poked. Artemis just laid there, trying to block the sharp jabs.

Finally, after about a minute of incessant poking, Artemis decided to forget his dignity and started poking her back.

"If I have to be subject to this brutal treatment, then I shall at least give as well as I get, to use a common phrase." He said, jabbing his fingers at her shoulder and collarbone, where he knew a nerve cluster was that would cause her left arm to spasm.

Holly felt her left arm go limp. "Artemis, what did you do?" She demanded, trying to move her numb arm.

Artemis laughed and his right arm shot out to jab her in the side. "Reflexology." he replied, jabbing her fourth rib, close to the kidneys. It paralyzed Holly temporarily and gave Artemis a chance to get up, which he did. Holly became unparalized in a few seconds after that and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Reflexology?" She asked, moving her arm experimentally. It wasn't numb anymore, but it still tingled slightly.

"Yes. The pressure points, things like that. Butler added it to my _required_ training schedule and I must say," He said, smirking at Holly, who was still on the floor. "I think he was right. It is a useful skill to be able to paralyze people. Especially three-foot-tall Elfin Captains of the Lower Elements Police."

Holly rolled her eyes and climbed carefully to her feet. "I'm fairly certain that's called cheating, mud boy, but I'll let it slide just this once." She said, smiling at him.

Artemis's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch and a small smile turned up the corner of his mouth. "_Cheating?_ Why, Holly. You wound me." He said, raising a hand to where his heart was. "That kind of dirty underhanded foul play, pardon my pun, is something expected of a _villain!_ Of a cruel individual with no such qualms about using an alternative solution to playing fair. You should know better."

Holly let out a loud laugh. "You just described yourself, Artemis. Down to a T, in fact."

Artemis made a mock-bow and Holly seized her chance to catch him unawares. She tackled him in a flying leap and they were knocked to the floor once more.

"I thought Butler would've warned you, Artemis," Holly said as she began to poke again. "Never take your eyes off your opponent."

Artemis laughed and tried to jab her in the left shoulder and collarbone again, but Holly was ready for that. She blocked with her right forearm and started poking him in the chest.

They exchanged pokes, Artemis keeping his fingers to her lower chest and Holly poking him wherever the heck she pleased. They were both laughing and Artemis's face was flushed.

"Give up, Holly?" Artemis said after he gave her a particularly hard jab in the gut. Holly retaliated by striking him with lightning-fast agility in the sternum with her pinky finger.

"NEVER!" She cried, jabbing up and down on his arm. It wasn't particularly effective, but it made Artemis roll over to the left to dodge her strike. He got three out of four jabs.

Holly, who was actually sitting on Artemis, smiled wickedly and said, "What about you, Artemis? Are you gonna say uncle?"

Artemis frowned. "Why would I say Uncle? My only living uncle lives in Morocco." He asked.

Holly laughed and poked him again. "It's a figure of speech, mud boy. It means, are _you _going to give up?"

Understanding flashed over Artemis's face and he smirked. "I think not." He said, and to Holly's amazement, he reached up and started tickling under her armpits, which were exposed because she was reaching to poke him again.

He was really truly tickling her! Holly had a brief moment when she thought he was going mad, because the Artemis she knew did not display barely any types of emotion. And yet, here he was, tickling her for all he was worth!

"Holly," Artemis said as they rolled and laughed. Holly tried to contain her mirth. He was tickling her very accurately, in all the right places. Her armpits, her sides, but he wasn't being rude. He was trying to have fun! Holly wondered if he was going insane again. "As you might've noticed, I am acting outside my normal character parameters."

Holly was still laughing.

"This is only because I cannot find a verbal comeback. I have read that, in an instant where physical contact is intimate, to be the aggressor is a display of revenge."

Ah. That explained it. He couldn't think of a comeback, so he went to the next best thing. Which was, apparently, tickling her.

"You're going to re- regret this Fowl!" Holly choked out between laughs. Artemis was smiling and laughing and keeping up his relentless tickling. This wasn't his first tickle-war, nor even his twentieth. Myles and Beckett were self-proclaimed tickle-warriors and they thought it was amusing to tackle him in the middle of the night. They'd done this every night for a fortnight and, by the third night, Artemis had picked up a few things. He knew that Myles and Beckett's primary battle strategy was to pin the arms by sitting on them and go for the armpits.

He also learned a few tricks when it comes to tickle-wars, and he thought he was pretty well-equipped to take on the famous Captain Short. It also helped that he was acting completely out of character, because that served to disorient her and let him take advantage of the situation by going for her neck. He had the utmost respect for Captain Short, but in this instance, he couldn't help himself.

He moved his wiggling fingers up her neck and Holly let out a squeak!

"Artemis!" She said, still laughing. "Get your fingers away fr- from there!"

Artemis smiled. He was on the right track. Every person on the face of this earth had a special tickle-spot. His was between his shoulder blades, and Holly's was apparently her neck.

He moved his fingers up and down her neck, just brushing her jawline. Holly squeaked again and Artemis laughed. He should be recording this. They rolled again and somehow Artemis wound up on top of her. Holly didn't seem to mind, as she was still laughing, but Artemis found this a rather confusing place to be in.

"Artemis!" Her voice was strangled, but still full of laughter. Her eyes were bright and happy. "Artemis, GET OFF ME!" OK, maybe happy tempered with vast annoyance.

Artemis smiled. He was completely out of his element now, and he knew it. Somewhere, in side his brain he knew he shouldn't be doing this. They were friends. Only friends. Anything else just seemed wrong. And yet here he was, whispering in his soft, clipped Irish accent.

"Oh but Holly, I'm so comfortable."

Holly froze. Had he really just said that? What on earth was happening? _How_ had they gone from a good-natured poking war to a slightly less good-natured tickle-war to him lying on top of her and _whispering?!_ She was ninety years older than him, for Frond's sake! AND HE WAS HUMAN! Stupid human adolescent hormones!

"Artemis-" She began slowly. What was she going to say? She knew that Artemis had had a thing for her, but that was all past them now! The stupid Atlantis Complex had caused all that! He didn't really like her, did he?

Artemis was smiling down at her. His flushed face inches away from her own. His raven hair tickling her forehead. His blue and brown eyes staring into hers.

That moment lasted for several minutes, then Artemis blinked and his eyes seemed to come back into focus. He looked at Holly, Holly looked at him.

Then the moment was completely spoiled by Juliet bursting through the door, singing to herself.

"_Hey, I just met you. And this is craaaazy, so here's my number. So call me maybe! _Arty! Holly! The old guys are going to spend dinner in Butler's room, so I'm staying up-" And then she caught sight of Artemis and she frowned. "Artemis, what are you doing on the floor?" She asked.

Artemis's head snapped up, bonking his chin accidentally against Holly's nose.

Ow, Holly thought. Then she realized Juliet was in the room and watching them.

"Juliet!" They both said loudly, scrambling to get away from each other and to their feet. Artemis received several kicks in the shins to get him moving faster and Holly was unceremoniously shoved away by Artemis. So much for _that._

They scrambled to their feet and stood there, hands clasped behind their backs. Neither of them looked at each other, and neither of them looked at her. Holly looked down at the floor. Artemis concentrated friendly on a the book that he'd dropped when Holly had pounced on him.

Juliet surmised the two with a look of amusement and surprise on her face. "Did I interrupt something?" She finally asked when neither of them spoke.

"No!" They both said quickly. Then Artemis began to blush.

Juliet laughed and said, "Guys, it's OK with me." She gave them both a reassuring smile. "I won't mention this to Butler," Artemis breathed a sigh of relief. "Or Root."

"_Thank the gods_." Holly muttered.

Artemis sighed silently in his head. Thank goodness. If the Commander of the LEP, father-figure to Holly and great friend of his were to have walked through the door and not Juliet and seen them in that position, he would completely vaporize Artemis before he could explain. Not that Artemis wanted to explain. No, explaining his current situation was the absolute last thing he wanted to do now. Not only did it probably make hm look like childish and weak, but it also would give Juliet another opportunity to tease him. She wasn't nearly as disciplined as her brother when it came to personal remarks.

Juliet walked over to them and unexpectedly gave them both hugs. "I'm glad you two have finally admitted things to yourself." Her eyes were warm and she was smiling like a child who'd been given a very expensive birthday present.

Holly realized what Juliet was saying a second after Artemis did. Their eyes widened. "Oh no, Juliet," Artemis said hurriedly.

At the same time Holly shook her head. "No."

"We aren't-"

"Absolutely not."

"No way."

"Just friends," the two stammered.

Juliet frowned. "But-"

"That was an accident, Juliet." Artemis said firmly. "The result of very bad timing on my part. Captain Short tripped over a rug," He pointed to the green floral rug that had been placed under the bed. It's white tassels could easily trip someone. "And I, trying to help her, made the same mistake and tripped. Captain Short seems to have not injured herself, nor have I, and I think that I shall take a quick walk around the block because it is so nice out." And to clear my head. "Good evening Juliet. Captain."

And with that, Artemis walked through the door and out onto the landing. Both Juliet and Holly were too surprised to speak.

Holly's mind was reeling. Had that really happened?

"Wait! Artemis," Juliet said, jogging to the door after Artemis. "You have to go with someone!"

"I'll tail him." Holly said automatically. The night air might do her some good as well.

Juliet looked down at the tiny elfin woman. "OK. Keep a close eye on him, and be back in an hour. No more."

Holly nodded and walked to the door.

"Oh and Holly,"

"Yes?"

"Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Holly caught Juliet's gentle gaze and she sighed. She wouldn't be able to keep anything from Juliet for long. Butler and Root, maybe. They were men, after all. But not Juliet.

"Later." She said. Then she walked down the stairs, heading after Artemis.

Juliet was left in Artemis's room smiling. Those two. Were they finally admitting things to each other, or were they closing each other off. She loved both Artemis and Holly like a pair of siblings, and she didn't want either of them to get hurt.

"But I also want the five hundred bucks Dom promised me if they got together by the end of the year." she said to herself, smirking.

After another minute's pause, Juliet ran to her room and grabbed a small handgun, her purse, and a pair of throwing knives just in case. Then she opened the window in her room and slid down the fire escape to catch up to Holly and Artemis.


	9. Ch 9: Finally! A Breakthrough!

**Buenos dias amigos! I am back after my forced vacation from Fanfiction! The power is back on and I am writing like a lunatic! To make up for my absence, I'm adding two more chapters instead of one. Then I'm gonna work on my other novels. Real novels, not my fanfictions.**

**Adios!**

* * *

Holly ran to catch up to Artemis.

_How had he gotten so far?_ She thought as she jogged down the narrow sidewalk. Artemis was a couple yards ahead of her, walking with his hands in his pockets and his head down. If Holly had seen him on the street and she didn't know him, she'd assume he was a drug-dealer or some other shady character. He had that kind of profile. Dark, mysterious and secretive.

Artemis's stride seemed longer than when she'd last seen him too. Like his legs had gotten longer. They cleared about a foot and a half with each step. The black T-shirt clung to his back and out-lined several small bumps along his spine. Or maybe that _was_ his spine. Artemis had always been thin and gangly. Maybe the constant workout the Butlers had been giving him was making him too thin.

Thinking about Butler's new training regime for Artemis made Holly think about the substantial array of muscles Artemis had grown during the time they'd been apart. His chest had certainly toughened. Holly knew that when they'd had their little poking war. His stomach had been firm with muscles, not like before. Before, her finger had sunk into his stomach like memory foam when she'd poked him. Now, she could definitely feel a six-pack under there.

Holly shook her head. Why was she thinking about Artemis's body? That was just weird. _I am his friend! _She told herself stubbornly. _I am his friend and only his friend. Artemis respects that._

_Then why did he pull that line about being comfortable when you told him to get off? s_aid a little voice that sounded like Juliet.

_I don't know, _she admitted.

_He likes you, girl! _The Juliet personification stated proudly. _The mud boy has completely fallen for you. _

_He's my friend! _Holly insisted.

_Your __**boy**__friend! He said it himself! _

_He's my friend and only my friend! _Holly said stubbornly. She knew this couldn't happen. She didn't want to ruin the friendship they'd make over the years over something as silly as this. Stupid human puberty!

"Holly, I can hear you." Artemis's cool clipped voice said from a couple feet away.

Holly jerked out of her mental battle and stopped just in time before she ran into the mud boy, who was leaning against a small flowered wall.

"Really Holly, I assumed a Recon Officer as seasoned as you might be able to sneak up on me." He said, cocking his head to one side and smiling. Really smiling. Not that evil vampire smirk she hated so much.

"I wasn't trying to follow you Artemis." Holly lied, trying to think up a quick excuse.

"Oh sure you aren't. You aren't following me because Juliet asked you to, and because you want to talk to me about our. . . encounter."

Encounter? That was hardly the word for it.

"OK, I am." she admitted. "But Juliet didn't ask me to follow you. I offered."

Artemis raised an eyebrow a fraction. "I see. And I assume that since you didn't comment on my other explanation, that excuse is accurate. Am I right?"

Holly nodded, looking down at her boot-clad feet.

"Holly," he said warmly. "I am perfectly alright with discussing that. You should not be ashamed either. All of us succumb to childish peals at one time of another."

Holly looked up, annoyance crossing her features. Annoyance that soon followed into rage

"_Childish peals_?" She said angrily. "_I_ shouldn't be ashamed? What about you?! You're the one who started tickling me!"

Artemis's expression remained calm. "Yes, and I fully apologize for my unethical behavior."

Holly was surprised. He was apologizing?

"My eccentric actions were the result of unchecked adrenaline rush which nullified my sense of reason and caused me to act like a complete fool." He smiled again. "Doubtlessly you remember a certain alter-ego from two years previously."

She nodded. Orion. Boy had he given her a headache.

"It is much the same thing. Only instead of a psychological illusion, it's a rush of hormones that create my idiocy."

Holly had to smile. Speaking mud man English was hard enough with the average human, but speaking with Artemis Fowl was like trying to listen to a Troll speak French.

"OK, I think I got that." she said. A small grin crept across her face. "The 'you acting like a complete fool,' part."

Artemis gave her a look. "I am serious Holly. This is important to my pride. I must ensure that I never exhibit such behavior again and also give to you my most sincere apologies."

Holly sighed. "Just once Artemis, could you stop trying to sound like an adult and speak in plain English? I have no idea what some of the words you are using mean and I'd rather not waste time jabbering in fancy mun man. Juliet had only given us an hour. Ten minutes of which had been wasted by your blethering."

Artemis's gaze hardened and he glared at her. Then he turned around without another word and began to walk away.

_Oops. I think I bruised the boy's ego. _Holly thought as she walked after him.

"Artemis!" She called. "Wait up!"

Artemis quickened his pace.

Holly growled. He was intentionally avoiding her. She didn't like being avoided.

XXXXXXXXXX

Juliet had been watching the entire scene from behind a pile of trashcans and she was now walking behind them, catlike in the shadows. Just far enough that neither of them could hear her but close enough that she could hear them. She was trying not to laugh out loud and blow her cover.

Boy, those two really were a pair. Holly and Artemis. It amazed her that feelings had taken this long to surface.

Juliet smiled. From the moment they'd seen each other they'd bickered, nagged, ribbed, annoyed and generally managed to nearly drive each other insane. Not to mention her brother and the other by-standers. She suspected they enjoyed it. Artemis liked being the condescending one when it came to mental calibration and Holly loved rubbing her field know-how in Artemis's face. In all honesty, neither of them were any better than the other. Artemis had plenty of pitfalls and Holly wasn't exactly a model citizen.

She watched Holly walking after Artemis once more. Poor Holly. She'd been spurned by a young man's dignity. Juliet herself had never been shunned by a male of her own age, or any male for that matter, so she didn't understand how annoyed Holly was feeling right now. But she did know what it felt like to be ignored.

She took a couple steps forward to keep within ear-shot. Artemis was still stalking away.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Artemis!" Holly protested. She was having to jog to keep up with the mud boy.

Artemis didn't respond. Holly let out an angry breath and reached out a hand to Artemis's shoulder. Artemis shrugged the hand off.

"Am I not allowed to have a quiet walk in peace?" He demanded angrily, still not turning around.

"I just want to talk!" Holly protested.

"We did talk. You treated me with scorn and insult."

Holly moaned. "Artemis, I was joking!" she said, still jogging to keep up with him. "And could you slow down a bit? I can't keep moving this fast."

Artemis stopped up short and he turned to give Holly a cold glare. "Oh, I'm _so sorry,_" he said sarcastically. "Was I making this walk _uncomfortable_ for you? Please accept my _sincerest_ apologies." Then he turned swiftly around and headed off again. Holly just stood there, staring after Artemis. There was nothing unusual about Artemis being sarcastic, but the tone that was layer beneath the sarcasm was unusual indeed. Angry. Hurt.

Holly frowned. Artemis was probably just acting like a regular teenager, she thought. But that tone in his voice made her a little apprehensive. She didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was.

"Artemis!" She called, running to catch up to the pale boy.

Juliet was following the two more closely. She heard the exchange and sighed. Poor Artemis. Poor Holly. Those two were just a hair's breadth away from either falling in love or tearing each other apart.

"Artemis!" Holly called for the fourth time. She was having trouble keeping up with the mud boy. If he quickened his pace any more he would be running.

"Artemis please, _stop_!"

Artemis stopped. Not because of the hypnotic layer of the _Mesmer_ in Holly's tone, which didn't work because he had his back to her, but because she'd actually tried to use the _Mesmer_ on him.

"Holly, I thought we agreed that you would never use the _Mesmer_ on me or Juliet or Butler." Artemis said. He tried not to let the hurt creep into his voice, but it was hard.

Holly sighed. "I know, but you wouldn't have stopped otherwise."

Artemis smiled. "I wouldn't have stopped in any case, except of my own choice. You know very well that the _Mesmer_ only works with eye contact."

Holly nodded. She knew. "Yes, mud boy I do know." she said. "I just hoped that you would stop anyway. Obviously I hoped right."

Artemis turned around, careful to keep his eyes focused on the ground. "Well, I've stopped. Now can you please get on with whatever you want to say, or else leave me in peace." His tone was cold, just like it had been the first night she'd seen him. Cold, calculating and completely void of emotion.

"Artemis!" She said exasperatedly, stalking over to him. Artemis looked up at the stars, dimmed by the yellow lamplight of the street lamps. "What has gotten into you? First the alleyway, then in the Hotel, and now this! There's something you're not telling me."

Artemis laughed. A cold, bitter sound. "Well, if I am hiding any secrets, which I'm not, I wouldn't be very likely to tell _you. _An operative of the LEP. Now, goodnight to you!" And with that, Artemis walked off.

Holly's curiosity was turning into annoyance, coupled with no small amount of indignation. After all they'd been through! Trolls, maniacal Pixies, Goblins, Bio bombs, and he still didn't trust her with some stupid secret!

She knew there was only one way to get Artemis to talk to her honestly. And she really didn't want to use it.

"Artemis_ please!_" She said, running after him. "Please!"

"Go back to the hotel, Holly." was his reply. "The streets are a dangerous place at night. Especially for a girl like you."

It was perhaps the worst thing Artemis Fowl could have said.

Holly stood there, numbness and confusion being quickly replaced by a fiery rage that burned like a volcano inside her heart. The feeling was building up in her chest, spreading through her body. Her hands clenched. Her brow creased. She gritted her teeth and started to run after Artemis.

Holly raced down the street, now fueled with anger and a determination to find out what Artemis was keeping from her. And also to punch him in the arm for the 'girl like you' comment. She was at least three feet from him now.

"ARTEMIS!" She yelled. Artemis whipped around, for a second thinking Holly was in trouble. Then he realized Holly had duped him and instantly averted his eyes.

Holly stopped up short in front of him and grabbed him by the front of the shirt, forcing him to bend down to her level. "Artemis Fowl the second, _look me in the eye_!" she demanded.

Artemis kept his eyes closed. "No!" he said. "You're going to _Mesmerize_ me!"

Holly took a deep breath, trying to repress the anger she was feeling. He really thought she would _Mesmerize_ him. As if. She was his closest friend and she had promised to never Mesmerize him. When Holly Short made a promise, she stuck to it. _Mesmerize him. _Holly thought_. Not likely._ No. What Holly Short intended to do was far worse than that.

Holly took hold of Artemis's shirt with both hands, keeping him down at her level. "Artemis, please look me in the eye." she said gently,

Artemis shook his head, not altogether sure what was going on. Why did Holly pull him down by the shirt? Why did she still have a hold of it? If only he could open his eyes!

Holly sighed. "Fine. Have it your way." And then Captain Holly Short kissed Artemis Fowl, right on the lips.

XXXXXXXXXX

Juliet nearly squealed for joy. Yes! YES! They _didit_! Twenty bucks to her!

Juliet had another bet going with her brother on how long it would be before they kissed. Dom reckoned it would take another few months at the latest. He was wrong.

She danced around in the shadows for joy. They had kissed! _They had kissed!_ At long last, Artemis and Holly would finally be together!

She was so busy dancing around and rejoicing at the fairy and human's interaction that she failed to see the three dark shapes sneaking up behind Artemis and Holly.

XXXXXXXXXX

The kiss lasted three whole minutes. During which Artemis felt like he was on fire.

He was kissing her! He, Artemis Fowl, was kissing Captain Holly Short! It was fantastic! Amazing! He couldn't think. He couldn't breath. He felt like he'd just won the Nobel prize, again, and all he wanted to do was stay still. Keep kissing her.

Thoughts were flying around his brain like a mixed up jumble of equations.

_Holly. _

_Why was she doing this? Was this a joke? A test? _

_She's never done anything like this before._

Part of Artemis wanted to never break away. Part of him knew that this was just hormones and that, just like after that fiasco in the Hotel, he would have to apologize later.

_Why should I apologize? _He asked himself._ Holly was the one who instigated this confrontation._

It was true. She had.

_Just like in the Hotel, _he thought. _The Hotel. . . and now this. And Holly was the one who picked out those other clothes for me. She also came into my room to wake me up. That had significance, didn't it? _

The pieces began to slide into place. Artemis recalled all the things that had happened to them since they'd arrived in Washington D.C. All the things that Holly had done. The boyfriend/girlfriend thing, the picking of his pseudonym, dressing up like a human girl. Then he began to remember other things. The way he'd asked her to walk around in her shoes. The way they'd worked together to take down those goons in the alleyway. The kiss he'd given her in Doctor Brennan's office.

In a flash of Neurons Artemis knew. He knew the answer to all his questions.

Holly Short was in love with him.

This realization brought a strange feeling to Artemis Fowl. It felt like. . . joy, but a bit less than that. Happiness? No. He knew what it was. He was feeling love. Love, for the first time ever, in his young life.

While Artemis was coming to that very important conclusion, Holly's mind was racing. Her thoughts came so fast that she barely had time to acknowledge them.

_I shouldn't be doing this! This is wrong! Artemis is my friend!_

She still had her lips pressed against his and she fought to let go, but she couldn't. She didn't want to.

_Oh gods above, what am I DOING? _She asked herself. Artemis was a human! She was a fairy! This could never work!

She knew that fairies were forbidden to get involved with humans for several simple reasons. One was their age difference, the other was species difference. She was nearly ninety years old and a Fairy! He wasn't even an adult yet! There was no way they could ever be together, and a long-distance relationship right under Root's nose was completely out of the question!

Inside her head Holly groaned. _What am I going to do when this is over? _She thought, racking her brain for a solution to this problem.

_Problem? a_sked the voice in Holly's head that sounded like Juliet. _What problem? Just keep standing there and give into it! _

_No! _Holly told herself. _I'm his friend! Just his friend!_

_Th__en why are you kissing him? _The Juliet edifice asked innocently.

Holly didn't have an answer to that. Why _was _she kissing him?

It couldn't be just human hormones. They shouldn't effect her. And Fairy puberty was long behind her. Thank the gods. So what was causing this attraction? Circumstances? They'd been working together for years. Some kind of relationship was bound to be struck.

_Yes, a FRIENDLY relationship! Friends! Not Boyfriend/Girlfriend! _She thought angrily. _I cannot allow this to happen! _

Then she remembered what he had done in the Hotel. His words. "Oh Holly, but I'm so comfortable." That had to mean something! Did he- no. No, there was no chance!

Holly's mind whirled as she continued to kiss Artemis, one small thought spinning around her head.

_Does Artemis Fowl love me? _

Holly opened her eyes, which had been closed the entire time she'd been kissing Artemis. Artemis still had his eyes closed.

"Artemis," she said gently as she pulled away. "Open your eyes."

Artemis opened his eyes and stared at the beautiful fairy before him.

"Holly. . ." He whispered. He couldn't think of anything else to say. His mind had gone completely blank.

Holly gave him a small smile and did the only thing she could think of. She touched her left trigger finger to her forehead and said quietly, "Now we're even."

Artemis smiled. It wasn't his usual vampire smirk either. It was a real smile. Full and warm.

"Awww, that was so sweet." said a voice from directly in front of them. Holly and Artemis jumped and stared at the three muscly teenagers that stepped out of the shadows. "I think I'm gonna puke."


End file.
